Every girl ( well, ok, not every but most girls) wants to have a dreamy fairy tale style wedding when they get married. I am not sure if I was one of them ( I am using past tense. )
The fact about me is that I am not the type of girls who will sit down for the whole day and fantasize about that BIG day. (Infact, before this I did not even think I would marry anyone.....) Which kind of dress, which kind of flowers, which kind of bridesmaid dress, which shoes, which jewels , which hair style, which make up, which musics, which theme, which colour for the carpet ( thank God there's only one colour for the carpet)...
I am really not fussed. I just want my family and close friends to be there and celebrate this day with me. I just want to walk down the aisle to my husband. I don't need a perfect ceremony, I don't want to be anxious and stressed about THE day. I don't think 10 20 years later I will remember what shoes I wear on my wedding day, I certainly will not remember what songs the musicians play. But one thing I will remember, I will remember that I have had a fun and crazy wedding, and that I am married to him, and all my loved ones are there with me.
But having said that, it doesnt mean I have no anticipation for my wedding at all. I am very excited about it. Again, as I said, it is more so for the 'marriage' (or the holy union, if anyone wants to call it this way) and the celebration with my family, rather than the rituals and formality.
So, 3 more months to go, and I have not had everything on the list ticked. But so what?
Monday, July 06, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
happy birthday baby
You are my heartsong. You are it.
Happy birthday to you, and in the many more years to come, I will celebrate each birthday with you , till death do us apart.
Happy birthday to you, and in the many more years to come, I will celebrate each birthday with you , till death do us apart.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the high and low of the world that I work in
It has been 18 months since I started my ICU training. Is this what I really want to do? Yes and I enjoy doing this . Very much.
Having said this, like what my best friend said, this is a very unnatural environment to work in. The burden and stress can be exceedingly huge, because we often have to deal with life-and-death situations, well, almost on a daily basis. And not everyone gets better. Some make it , some don't.
There is always the presence of family and friends by the sick bed. Some come alone, some in a group. Some stay for the whole day, some just a short while.
But most of them who come are those who care deeply for the sick ones.
They usually sit by the patient's bed; sometimes they hold the patient's hands, sometimes they don't .
But all of them do one thing in common. They often stare at the patient's face for a long long long long time. (By the way, most of these patients in ICU are deeply sedated and on life support, i.e. they are in induced coma)
I always wonder, when they stare at their loved ones, what's on their mind? In their mindscape, what do they see? Or what are they trying to see or recall?
Are they having flashback moments of their sick old mother or father? In their mindscape are they reliving the moments when their mother or father held their little hands and walked them to school? The moments when they played with them in the park? Now the old mother is sick. Her hair is sparse and silver. Her skin wrinkles and sags. She is on the verge of dying. They stare and stare and stare at her, eyes are red and filled with tears.
On the other hand, some of them play an opposite role. They are the parents of the sick man. Sick man has not looked after himself throughout his life, he drinks his liver and smokes his lungs to death. He is very sick and also is on the verge of dying. The parents come every day. They wobble in with their walking sticks, and struggle to sit down. They too, stare at their child for a long long long long time.
What's on their mind? Are they reliving the moments when he was still a new born in their arms? What happened after that? Why did he go astray? Do they blame themselves for the path that he'd taken? Their eyes, are always filled with tears too.
I've seen a father who refused to believe his son was(and still is) in vegetative state. The young patient was discharged from ICU 7 months ago. I bumped into the father last month, shocked but sad to find out that his vegetative son is still in the hospital. He comes in every day to clothe, feed and care for him. I said bye to him, and saw him dropping his head and shoulders and dragging his feet on the very long corridor in the hospital.
Some visitors are neither the parents nor the children of the sick ones. They are the spouse(s).
Some have lived their lives together for 10 years, and for some others, 70 years.
What's on their mind when they stare at their husband/wife? The day when they first met and fell in love with each other? When the girl was youthful and beautiful, and the boy was toned and charming? And are they reliving the moments of fighting and hurting each other, and let their own hearts be filled with remorse. If only they could reverse time and treat each other better, love each other more.
I've seen old men who gently stroke the hair of their sick wife. I have seen old women who put their head on the chest on their sick husband. Not talking. Just staring. Just treasuring the last moments of thier company.
This is the environment that I work in. Not entirely it, but this is the valuable and emotional bit of it.
ICU has not just taught me clinical knowledge; it has put life-and-death right in front of my eyes. It's taught me to thank God for life, for health, for parents, for my fiance, for my loved ones.
So ICU still for me? Absolutely yes.
Having said this, like what my best friend said, this is a very unnatural environment to work in. The burden and stress can be exceedingly huge, because we often have to deal with life-and-death situations, well, almost on a daily basis. And not everyone gets better. Some make it , some don't.
There is always the presence of family and friends by the sick bed. Some come alone, some in a group. Some stay for the whole day, some just a short while.
But most of them who come are those who care deeply for the sick ones.
They usually sit by the patient's bed; sometimes they hold the patient's hands, sometimes they don't .
But all of them do one thing in common. They often stare at the patient's face for a long long long long time. (By the way, most of these patients in ICU are deeply sedated and on life support, i.e. they are in induced coma)
I always wonder, when they stare at their loved ones, what's on their mind? In their mindscape, what do they see? Or what are they trying to see or recall?
Are they having flashback moments of their sick old mother or father? In their mindscape are they reliving the moments when their mother or father held their little hands and walked them to school? The moments when they played with them in the park? Now the old mother is sick. Her hair is sparse and silver. Her skin wrinkles and sags. She is on the verge of dying. They stare and stare and stare at her, eyes are red and filled with tears.
On the other hand, some of them play an opposite role. They are the parents of the sick man. Sick man has not looked after himself throughout his life, he drinks his liver and smokes his lungs to death. He is very sick and also is on the verge of dying. The parents come every day. They wobble in with their walking sticks, and struggle to sit down. They too, stare at their child for a long long long long time.
What's on their mind? Are they reliving the moments when he was still a new born in their arms? What happened after that? Why did he go astray? Do they blame themselves for the path that he'd taken? Their eyes, are always filled with tears too.
I've seen a father who refused to believe his son was(and still is) in vegetative state. The young patient was discharged from ICU 7 months ago. I bumped into the father last month, shocked but sad to find out that his vegetative son is still in the hospital. He comes in every day to clothe, feed and care for him. I said bye to him, and saw him dropping his head and shoulders and dragging his feet on the very long corridor in the hospital.
Some visitors are neither the parents nor the children of the sick ones. They are the spouse(s).
Some have lived their lives together for 10 years, and for some others, 70 years.
What's on their mind when they stare at their husband/wife? The day when they first met and fell in love with each other? When the girl was youthful and beautiful, and the boy was toned and charming? And are they reliving the moments of fighting and hurting each other, and let their own hearts be filled with remorse. If only they could reverse time and treat each other better, love each other more.
I've seen old men who gently stroke the hair of their sick wife. I have seen old women who put their head on the chest on their sick husband. Not talking. Just staring. Just treasuring the last moments of thier company.
This is the environment that I work in. Not entirely it, but this is the valuable and emotional bit of it.
ICU has not just taught me clinical knowledge; it has put life-and-death right in front of my eyes. It's taught me to thank God for life, for health, for parents, for my fiance, for my loved ones.
So ICU still for me? Absolutely yes.
Friday, May 15, 2009
random
www.siewwai.zenfolio.com - Pauline's Graduation
After a series of events and long hour shifts, I finally sat down, dug up the old files, and started organising the long overdue photos that I promised I would process.
And again, I found my passion again...Oh...after all it has never really left me ....
After a series of events and long hour shifts, I finally sat down, dug up the old files, and started organising the long overdue photos that I promised I would process.
And again, I found my passion again...Oh...after all it has never really left me ....
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I saw 2 images...
I saw 2 images this morning in my mind.
In the 1st imagery, there was a big wooden cross. It was dark but rays of bright light shone through thick clouds. I was wailing as I came close to the big cross. I couldn't see anything else but the cross because it was huge. As I came to the foot of the big wooden cross, I started hitting it with my palm. And every time I hit it, I saw my sins flowed from my body and went into the wooden cross. It was bizarre.
So I kept on hitting the cross with my palm. It became a constant rhythm. And more and more sins flowed out. Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! My sin, my shame, my guilt, my disappointments, my brokenness, my weaknesses, my failures, my filthiness....they left me with each hit.
I did not feel the pain in my palm. I felt more and more powerful in my body and the rhythm of hitting became faster.
I saw that I was telling Jesus, 'I am giving all my sins and shame unto the cross... ''
Then suddenly the imagery changed.
Suddenly I was holding a hammer in my right hand, and a big rusty nail in my left hand.
In the 2nd imagery I was still at the same place, still the same big wooden cross, but this time, there was someone on the wooden cross, it was Jesus Christ the Lord, God's one and only Son.
And this time, I was no longer hitting the empty cross with my palm. This time I was holding a big hammer and nail in my hands.
'NO!!!!!!!! Don't do that!' I tried to stop 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, but 'the Me' did not hear me.
Oh no! I know what is going to happen next! But I can't stop the evil Me from doing that!
In that imagery ,I started hammering the nail into Jesus' hand. Dang! Dang! Dang! ....It was the loud noise of one metal hitting another. I lifted up the hammer, and then again, dang! ...I forcefully pushed the nail another inch deeper into Jesus' palm.
Dang!...another inch deeper...Dang! ....another inch deeper....
The big rusty nail was pushed in completely, nailing Jesus firmly onto the big wooden cross.
End of the 2nd imagery..........
I won't forget this. I never will.
The noises of hammering, the yelling of the crowd, the splashing of His blood, and the sound of the nail hitting the wood.
The smell of blood , mixed with the smell of rust from the nail, and the smell of wood and dirt.
I will never forget about this. It was too real. I was right there and then.
I was the one nailing the Son of God unto the wooden cross. I am not innocent of this crime!
All of the sudden I realised what God was telling me thru the 2 images. They have to overlap , and it forms the Gospel.
The 1st image is the result of the 2nd image. The hitting of sins onto the cross brings me forgiveness, but it doesnt come without a cost. The reality is, we all are responsible for His death of the cross. We are the reason why He died. None of us can escape and say 'I don't know who Jesus Christ is , and I have nothing to do with Him.'
We all are guilty of His death and like 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, we all held our hammers and nails and we all corporately nailed the Son of God onto the cross.
That's what Gospel is about, that for God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. It is nothing religious nor complicated.
It simply means, Jesus willingly died on the cross for us, and as He was nailed on the cross, our sins and shame were nailed with Him onto the cross as well. And His death brings us forgiveness, and we are again reunited with God the Father our Creator, otherwise we will perish eternally because of the inherent sin that is in us.
I have known the Gospel for a long time, and I have tasted the goodness of God , I have been living in His presence and grace every day........but this time, the images shocked me to the core. I knew Christ died for me, I have heard that some people have seen similar vision. But until I see it myself, the Gospel has never been so real to me.
I will never forget the smell of His blood, and the sound of hammering .
Oh Lord, thank You for dying for me on the cross. Thank you dying for all the readers that are reading this post. You did this because You love all of us.
In the 1st imagery, there was a big wooden cross. It was dark but rays of bright light shone through thick clouds. I was wailing as I came close to the big cross. I couldn't see anything else but the cross because it was huge. As I came to the foot of the big wooden cross, I started hitting it with my palm. And every time I hit it, I saw my sins flowed from my body and went into the wooden cross. It was bizarre.
So I kept on hitting the cross with my palm. It became a constant rhythm. And more and more sins flowed out. Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! My sin, my shame, my guilt, my disappointments, my brokenness, my weaknesses, my failures, my filthiness....they left me with each hit.
I did not feel the pain in my palm. I felt more and more powerful in my body and the rhythm of hitting became faster.
I saw that I was telling Jesus, 'I am giving all my sins and shame unto the cross... ''
Then suddenly the imagery changed.
Suddenly I was holding a hammer in my right hand, and a big rusty nail in my left hand.
In the 2nd imagery I was still at the same place, still the same big wooden cross, but this time, there was someone on the wooden cross, it was Jesus Christ the Lord, God's one and only Son.
And this time, I was no longer hitting the empty cross with my palm. This time I was holding a big hammer and nail in my hands.
'NO!!!!!!!! Don't do that!' I tried to stop 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, but 'the Me' did not hear me.
Oh no! I know what is going to happen next! But I can't stop the evil Me from doing that!
In that imagery ,I started hammering the nail into Jesus' hand. Dang! Dang! Dang! ....It was the loud noise of one metal hitting another. I lifted up the hammer, and then again, dang! ...I forcefully pushed the nail another inch deeper into Jesus' palm.
Dang!...another inch deeper...Dang! ....another inch deeper....
The big rusty nail was pushed in completely, nailing Jesus firmly onto the big wooden cross.
End of the 2nd imagery..........
I won't forget this. I never will.
The noises of hammering, the yelling of the crowd, the splashing of His blood, and the sound of the nail hitting the wood.
The smell of blood , mixed with the smell of rust from the nail, and the smell of wood and dirt.
I will never forget about this. It was too real. I was right there and then.
I was the one nailing the Son of God unto the wooden cross. I am not innocent of this crime!
All of the sudden I realised what God was telling me thru the 2 images. They have to overlap , and it forms the Gospel.
The 1st image is the result of the 2nd image. The hitting of sins onto the cross brings me forgiveness, but it doesnt come without a cost. The reality is, we all are responsible for His death of the cross. We are the reason why He died. None of us can escape and say 'I don't know who Jesus Christ is , and I have nothing to do with Him.'
We all are guilty of His death and like 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, we all held our hammers and nails and we all corporately nailed the Son of God onto the cross.
That's what Gospel is about, that for God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. It is nothing religious nor complicated.
It simply means, Jesus willingly died on the cross for us, and as He was nailed on the cross, our sins and shame were nailed with Him onto the cross as well. And His death brings us forgiveness, and we are again reunited with God the Father our Creator, otherwise we will perish eternally because of the inherent sin that is in us.
I have known the Gospel for a long time, and I have tasted the goodness of God , I have been living in His presence and grace every day........but this time, the images shocked me to the core. I knew Christ died for me, I have heard that some people have seen similar vision. But until I see it myself, the Gospel has never been so real to me.
I will never forget the smell of His blood, and the sound of hammering .
Oh Lord, thank You for dying for me on the cross. Thank you dying for all the readers that are reading this post. You did this because You love all of us.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
my decision
I love my job, I love to do what I am doing and love to envisage what I will possibly do in future in my medical career. But have you sometimes come to a place where you feel there is still far too wide a gap from your point A now to your point B in future. I am in this stage. There is an outcry in my heart, I wanna move forward and take ground forcefully, but something is being obstructive here. And I can't advance because of certain circumstances.
The self pity voice cries in my heart, and the distance from my point A now to the future point B seems to be amplified by this.
And I love my job yet I dread going to work. I can hardly recollect any days in my career that I dreaded going to work.
Then God spoke to me again in the midst of chaos.
'Worship is not an option but it is a deliberate decision you have to make.'
Hmm... sometimes we forget that worship is a deliberate decision. We get carried away by the things in the world, our emotions, our ups and downs etc. We let our circumstances determine our reactions.
A change in perspective will make a sharp upturn.
And so, I surrender my burden to You, and I know that You will come to my rescue.
The self pity voice cries in my heart, and the distance from my point A now to the future point B seems to be amplified by this.
And I love my job yet I dread going to work. I can hardly recollect any days in my career that I dreaded going to work.
Then God spoke to me again in the midst of chaos.
'Worship is not an option but it is a deliberate decision you have to make.'
Hmm... sometimes we forget that worship is a deliberate decision. We get carried away by the things in the world, our emotions, our ups and downs etc. We let our circumstances determine our reactions.
A change in perspective will make a sharp upturn.
And so, I surrender my burden to You, and I know that You will come to my rescue.
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