Was blind, but now, I see

my wisdom teeth

2011-10-26T21:52:00.003+10:30

I have had problems with my wisdom teeth for 3 months now.

The first oral surgeon that I saw told me they were very impacted, very rotten, very complicated so the only way to remove them was to do it under general anaesthesia. I said no way. No GA for me. Then he said , well at least sedation or I am not comfortable doing it. Fine.

I prayed and prayed. No peace in my heart. Not just because I am not comfortable with sedation and its potential adverse effects, but I don't want to pay the huge amount of hospital fee just for a few hours stay after having anaesthesia. I prayed that God would provide me another oral surgeon who would be willing to do my surgery within the matter of 1 week and under local anaesthesia. It sounded very impossible, everyone told me waiting list for wisdom teeth removal is usually at least 1-2 months.

But I prayed hard and believed God would bring me a miracle. I truly believe.

I then managed to get hold of an oral surgeon who happened to have a time slot for me for first consultation within my time frame. When I saw him , I immediately felt the sense of peace. He said I was crazy that I insisted on only local anaesthesia but he would do so even though there is a risk of failure, that would result in postponing of surgery. I said I didn't care, just give me local. Deep down inside, I believed God would make this work.

And at the end, this oral surgeon did not just agree to give me local anaesthesia, on top of that he squeezed me in one of his lunch breaks so that I could have it done really soon. He also gave me a 50% discount on surgical fee! This means not only I will pay less surgical fees, I also save on hospital fee!

God always gives way more abundant than what we ask for!

So today I had the surgery. Of course I was praying the whole time. God said, Don't worry I am right here with you.

The oral surgeon initially thought the bottom tooth would be extremely difficult to take out, it would involve gum cutting, drilling and breaking the tooth in pieces. I prayed and prayed.

Guess what, a miracle happened. The tooth came out in one piece without even the need to cut my gum at all. The surgeon himself was very amazed and surprised. I know God was at work.

It only took him less than 10 minutes to remove three complicated, impacted and tricky wisdom teeth. Smooth! It is now 12 hours post op I still have not much of pain! Praise the Lord.

The surgeon joked,'now you have no more wisdom.' Precisely, why would I need my wisdom when God's wisdom is far greater?

God is never far from you when you call onto Him. He looks after you, from the biggest life crisis down to the smallest details in your daily life. Therefore, lean not on your own understanding, trust in the Lord with all your heart, in all your ways submit to God, and He will make your paths straight.

a small vessel for God

2011-10-14T00:20:00.004+10:30

This morning before I started work I prayed a simple prayer for God to use me.

Then there was this patient that came in for a major surgery and he barely understands any English at all. And because interpreters are not allowed to enter the operating theatre, as his anaesthetist it was very natural for me to identify myself to him as someone who could speak his language.

So throughout the whole pre-operating period of getting him ready for such a major surgery, I was there explaining everything to him. I guess for someone who doesn't understand or speak English, it must have been a horrifying experience when surrounded by us , especially when he was going to have a high risk surgery.

Half way through the preparation, I saw the cross that he was wearing on his neck. I asked if he was a believer and he said yes. I told him so was I! Then we began to talk about how great God is. He said he really thank God for me because God has blessed him so much that He specifically sent someone who could speak his language in time like this to explain everything to him before such a major surgery. This scenario is actually very rare.

We praised God and blessed each other in prayer.Both of our spirits felt that God's presence was very strong in that small room. Hallelujah! When two believers get together and praise God, it doesn't matter one is a patient and the other is a doctor, or whether we know each other , or that we are in a tiny operating room...what matters is that we speak a common language, the Kingdom language.

I told him that God cares about every detail to the point of sending me there to comfort and pray for him in his own language, surely God will see him through his surgery. True enough, the whole preparation and surgery itself were abnormally smooth.

At the end he kept thanking me. I gave all the glory to God, for I am only a small vessel used by Him for His purposes. I am blessed by seeing his prayer answered, and I am humbled to see that God has used me to play a small part in answering his prayer.

Hmmm...it is good to be His vessel.

Sometimes I forget

2011-07-30T17:34:00.003+09:30

Sometimes I forget that God is the Creator of the universe and everything in it.

I forget that by His Word, the world was formed. I forget that He is all powerful. My earthly flesh and its sinful nature has blinded my eyes and clouded my thoughts.

I forget that He has thought about me even before I was conceived.

I forget that He was the great architect and designer of my inmost being.

I forget that He fearfully and wonderfully knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I forget that He has loved me with an everlasting love, the agape love that no one can fathom.

I forget that long ago, He already planned to send His one and only Son Jesus Christ to come and die for the sin of the whole world.

I forget the love of my Lord Jesus for me.

I forget the sufferings and pain that He had to go through for my sin. Pain and humiliation that He did not deserve.

I forget that I was among those who nailed Him on the cross.

I forget that the cross is not the end of the story.

I forget that the Father has the power to resurrect the Lord Jesus, and the same power that resurrected Jesus is now in me. I forget about that very very often.

I forget that the Lord has died once and for all.

I forget that Christ has already overcome sin and death.

I forget that my sins have been atoned for and I am now a new being in Christ.

I forget that the same God who created the world, who resurrected Christ, who has forgiven my sin and who has called me into His very presence is the same God who loves me very very very very much and knows His perfect plans for my life.

I forget that the King of kings and Lord of lords is also my lover.

And sometimes I forget that even when I forget, He is still there , waiting patiently for me to realise that I have forgotten about all this. And when I am reminded of His grace for me, He lets me run straight into His open arms.

The LORD Almighty is His name

2011-06-14T18:23:00.004+09:30

I was suddenly struck by roaring waves of fear as I looked around the home that we built together. We are letting go of our comfort zone now. The real estate agents came and went, the moving company will come in the next few days to bring everything away. The walls and shelves are empty, boxes are everywhere on the floor.

I have not slept for many hours and have not eaten anything. My head was filled with a multitude of thoughts. How am I going to pack everything up? How do I clean up? Which agent should I use? Will I have a secured job next year in a foreign city? Which hospital should I apply to? How do I start my new life in a new city? etc etc etc...

A sense of despair, darkness and hopelessness suddenly grabbed me and I broke down. I cried out loud , O'Lord O'Lord, please do no forsake me! Please strengthen me...That was all that I could utter in my despair, my spirit groaned in pain.

I knew in the moment of vulnerability I could not let the devil win this battle for the battle and victory belong to the Lord Jesus. All I knew was to run to God. Run Run Run Siew Wai. Praise Him! Worship Him! Cry to Him! Ask, seek and knock! Pray until you see His face! I repeatedly read out Psalm 23 in a loud voice.

Then I knew my Lord is near me, I felt Him as I meditated on His Word. He is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul, He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of darkness of death, I will fear no evil for He is with me, His rod and His staff comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies, He anoints my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

He pointed me to Jeremial 31. I read through the whole chapter again and again, my clothes were soaked with tears. For He has heard my cry and He reassured me that He has loved me with an everlasting love. He said He would tear down only to rebuild. He scatters only to gather again. He would make me plant vineyards and be fruitful. I will go out and dance with the joyful.

Jeremiah 31: 35-36, This is what the LORD says,

He who appoints the sun to shine by day, who decrees the moon and stars to shine by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name:
“Only if these decrees vanish from my sight,” declares the LORD, “will Israel ever cease being a nation before me.”

Yes the LORD Almighty is His name.

Do not be discouraged Siew Wai, Do not fear, be strong and be very courageous, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Amen.

Who is the real enemy here?...And where is the promised land?

2011-03-10T10:51:00.004+10:30

I have been in a strained relationship with someone in the last 1-2 years (by the way, that person is certainly not my husband). It is like a thorn in my flesh and I am sure that person sees me as a thorn too. It is very painful. I can't and I am not allowed to get rid of that thorn. Both of us have been limping with this thorn and we can't walk straight in our lives.

How painful and disruptive it has been! I know I am not a perfect person or I would not have needed my Saviour. In my pursuit of being more and more like Christ, I prayed many times to ask God to take this pain away from me, and to give me the strength and His kind of love to love this person.

As I humbled myself before God, He dropped this in my mind, 'Why do I allow the past hurt and pain determined how I live in future?'

Then my eyes were suddenly opened, and revelations after revelations in the forms of God's Word came gushing out.

Two nights ago at church Ps Jon was preaching about Numbers 13. The Lord told Moses to send out His people to explore the promised land that flowed with honey and milk, the Lord has given the land to His people. But the people thought it was too difficult and forgot that the Lord has ALREADY given that land to them, they just needed to take possession of it. They would rather go back to Egypt and died!

Am I not like the rebellious Israelites?

I suddenly realised my relationship with that person is like the promised land in the scripture. God has already given it to me, all I need to do is to go forward and take it. But I became scared at the sight of the past hurt and failure. I forgot that the Lord has won this battle for me. But in my own eyes and understanding, I thought it was too difficult, so I opted for an out. I would rather go back to my Egypt and died there.

And again, the Lord's Word became alive. I am reminded that I am fighting a battle aimlessly. My true enemy is not 'that person', my true enemy is the devil who has come to steal , kill and destroy.

But he forgot his place. He is the ultimate loser. My Lord Jesus has won the battle for me, He has conquered sin and death! He has also given that victory to me and that person, so both of us should be the winners.

How great is our God!

Who am I? -2

2011-02-17T21:00:00.002+10:30

Have you ever run away from God? Or tried to hide from Him?

I have , many times in my life. Most of the times it was not delibrate, and I did not even try to run away, but I just let it happen, and before I know it I have already let the presence of God slip out of the crack of my busy daily life. The enemy will always deceive us that it is ok to be slightly independent from God, even if it is only in small little things.

Last week I was in the change room at the hospital in the middle of the night as I was about to start my night duty. Suddenly I had a feeling in my heart telling me I have been harbouring a kind of pride that has distanced me from God. I began to realise that's why I have not felt God's peace in me for quite a while. The enemy has made me believe that I was alright in my walk with God as long as I prayed and read the bible everyday. I did not realise in the midst of my busyness I was not delibrate in my pursuit of His face and His glory and His law.

I immediately dropped the things in my hands and started repenting to Him. At that moment I again had the most intimate encounter with my God.

The next day it was the prayer meeting in church. For some reason I knew I had to attend that prayer meeting no matter what , I just felt convicted that God had something great for me there.Truely so, as I entered the meeting I just felt the very very very heavy presence of God , my whole body shivered, my heart leaped with joy and my spirit sang out loud in awe and worship of God

As Pastor Danny qouted the scripture 2 Chronicles 7:14 :' If MY people who are called by MY name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.'

My tears rolled down my cheeks like a tap when I heard this, and throughout the whole meeting I was weaping in tears of sorrow and humility, at the same time love, joy, peace and renewal.

I knew God was speaking right in my face, both in the dark change room at the hospital and in church today. That was a very small change room, hidden in the deepest part of the hospital. The corridor that leads to the change room was not lit with lights, and no telecommunication reception could reach that room. The door was a thick old school wooden door that could only be opened with a set of security code.

And in the darkness of the night and the loneliness of my spirit, when I thought I was far from the presence of my God, and well hidden from the rest of the world, God came and found me even in that change room. And when I thought I was alright , HE confronted me with His Spirit out of His deep love for me, because He doesn't want me to walk away from Him.

Who am I that He loves me so much? That He would come pursuing me with His love rather than condemnation and punishment for my sin of pride.

Psalm 139:7-12

' Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens You are there, if I make my bed in the depths you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.'

With such great love, will I not lift my hands up and surrender to You? When I come running to You, I will only find myself falling into Your strong arms that are open to catch me.

Who are you? -1

2010-12-22T17:06:00.004+10:30

When I was praying my thoughts wandered back to the dark age when I did not know God, and I saw myself. The memories of my life in the past are still fresh, but in those visions they are fragmented.

I was at school, and all of a sudden I was in a pub; then I was in the university; then with friends ....it was everywhere, but at every stop I saw a lonely and broken me who needed restoration.

Then my memory stopped at the first time I stepped into a church. In the clear vision I was walking in to a very small local church, the usher greeted me with a warm welcome and asked if I was coming with anyone. I said I was by myself. Then I picked the back row. And the praise and worship began. People raised their hands and sang.

I closed my eyes and a very powerful feeling gripped my heart. I wept when the feeling of familiarity struck me. I knew my brokenness and emptiness was restored. One touch from God is enough to bring renewal to my life.

8 years later when I was in church I revisited that memory.

I whispered to God, ' Yes Lord, I have met You on that special day.'

God replied, 'But I have met you a very long time before that day.'

Psalm 139 is my favourite scripture at all time.

Psalm 139 verse 13: For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb.'

church after night shift

2010-11-28T13:46:00.000+10:30

Gladiator -1

2010-10-14T10:19:00.003+10:30

Quoted from my journal in the beginning of August 2010:

Just a few more weeks to my exams. I am a lil nervous but not too bad this time. It doesn't feel like the last exams in March. I know God will deliver the victory into my hands again. He did it last time, this time He will do the same.

But I am still a lil anxious...

My friend and I did a few rounds of revision together, and I have forgotten most things that I studied from the very beginning. Dear Lord, You are my only help....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Quoted from my journal in early September:

1 more week to go and I will again face the giant of this season. The last 2 subjects are just a week away in Melbourne. But this time I am confident, very confident....not in myself, but in my Lord Jesus Christ.

6 months ago I was shivering and fearful, and God gave me a word about splitting the Red Sea and letting His people walk on dry ground to the promised land. He has miraculously let me pass the last exams, therefore I will continue to put my faith in Him. He is able, and if He was willing to do that for me in the past, I am confident that He will do it for me again this time.

Therefore I am very confident, not in myself but in my Lord God Almighty....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Quoted from my journal on 14/9/10:

That's it. The exams will start tomorrow. After one whole year of intense preparation, lifestyle changes and sacrifice from Kevin and I, I just can't wait to get this exam over and done with.

Yesterday God gave me a vision. He seems to give me a lot of revelations through visions. This time the vision is about GLADIATOR.

I found myself playing the role of a Gladiator in my vision, and I was walking from the underground tunnel towards the arena. Ahead of me was a fierce battle awaiting me. I could hear the loud cry of the massive crowd who had filled up the whole Colosseum, they had come from near and far to be entertained by this battle that might put me to death.

I stood in front of the gate at the end of the tunnel and I could feel the heat of the battle.

But in my vision, I saw a gigantic figure behind me , He is my God and He cast His shadow over me. He said,' Don't be afraid of the battle ahead of you. I have already given the victory in your hands. You will not be harmed. '

Yeah! Gladiator I am.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Quoted from my journal after I got the results....17/9/10.

I have locked myself in the hotel room for more than 36 hours. Sometimes I studied, sometimes I looked out of the window facing a beautiful lake, sometimes I lay in bed, sometimes I was on my knees praying. This room is like a beautiful prison cell. But I knew I was not alone, surely God was with me.

Psalm 23 was on my mind the whole time.

The night before the written exam, I went over to my friend's room for revision. He was very depressed and worried about the exams. I laid hand on him and prayed for him, I saw his eyes turned red after the prayer, I knew God must have done something in his heart.

The next day he thanked me and said the prayer worked in him :)

The written and oral exams both went very well for two consecutive days. For the oral exams, God gave me the same examiner who gave me the exam in March! How amazing! I don't think it was by chance. Some exam candidates had very harsh and difficult examiners who would not move on to the next questions unless they said all the right things. But this examiner that I had was fantastic. She was very gracious to me in my March exams that I thought I did not do very well.

The best thing after the oral exams was when the examiners of both subjects said 'well done' before I left. I walked out of the exam hall feeling very good, and I could not stop praising God because if without Him, it would not be possible for me to come to this stage.

The results came out on 17/9/10, Friday evening. I passed!!! (and later when I received the breakdowns of all the answers by post, I realized I did not just pass , I passed with flying colours!)

I knew it! I knew it because my Almighty God had promised deliverance of victory to me. I did my best and the rest I surrendered to Him. It's all Him and I do not dare to take any glory.I am so humbled by His grace and mercy. He has sustained me throughout the whole year of intense preparation, I must have spent more than 1000 hours in it. It was not easy to manage this esp with full time ICU employment and a new marriage. God has renewed me from strength to strength in every moment of my life. And He has also blessed my marriage in every way! Hallelujah!

He is a faithful God, rich in His love, grace and mercy. If we set our hearts to follow Him and trust in Him, He will straighten our paths.

Barnabas

2010-06-20T16:33:00.004+09:30

Today Ps Matt preached about Barnabas, which means the son of encouragement.

It stirred me and brought back the ancient memories that was compressed and buried by the giant wheel of life.

Barnabas was the one who saw the work and grace of Christ in Saul's life. He was the one who saw beyond the sinfulness and brokenness in Saul. He saw the hand of Christ in Saul. He saw his potential and his neediness for Christ and His grace.

This has brought me to recall the early age of my Christian life. Who was my Barnabas? Who led me to Christ? Who has discipled me and not judged me when I was still mucking around even after I was saved?

I suddenly remembered those people. I wonder how they are doing now...

I also thought of the few people on whom I have had some impact. I did for them what my Barnabas-es have done for me when I was still a baby Christian. They have grown mature and continued to exert their influence on the others.

When I think about this I praise God with all my heart. It is a beautiful gift that He has given to all of us. The heart of love and grace. It doesn't come naturally in us. When CHRIST DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS, He showed us His ultimate love for us. And He transplants this heart into us.

I am glad I have been someone's Barnabas. But if not because of today's sermon, I would have forgotten that I have done that to someone. I think this is a good thing, because ultimately we are the hands and feet of Christ, used for His glory. It is not about us, but about Him.

I will continue in this ministry of discipleship, grace and encouragement. After all, everyone is broken, everyone needs Christ.

A story about God's grace in my life - Exams.

2010-03-26T22:43:00.001+10:30

The exams have finally finished and I have a story to tell about this. If you have time, please read on for this is not about me, but about God.

I decided to take this exam before our wedding, but I could not start preparing for it because of wedding preparation and honeymoon. The recommended time to prepare for this exam is usually 6 months for every person. I started preparing for this only 4 months ago.

When it came close to the exam I knew I was way too underprepared. I did not feel good about this exam at all, but God just kept telling me to do my best and leave the rest to Him.

The exam was held in Sydney, so I came to Sydney on Tuesday, trembling all the way. I have never been so fearful about an exam in my whole life, and in my life I have never failed anything (except for music class in primary school because I can't sing:P) but this time I thought to myself, I would surely fail this.

The few days and nights I spent by myself in the hotel , between the study desk (yes, it is a FIVE STAR hotel catered for busy cooperate people) and the toilet. The desk was piled up with many textbooks , each of them as thick as the yellow pages.

I was tired, lonely, and scared.

But God has not left me alone. Literally every single moment when I put down my notes, He would talk to me gently.

He said 'Lean not on your own understanding, but trust in ME, I will show you what I can do. '

I felt as though I was the Israelites spies who saw the Anakites in the land of Canaan ,the promised land , and they felt as small as grasshoppers in their own eyes. But the Lord told me that tomorrow He would give me the promised land. And not related to the Canaan land, He said He would part the Red Sea and let me walk on the dry ground. He also told me if I march around 'my Jericho' with His name , 'my Jericho' would surely fall down.

I was soooooooo close to God because there's only Him there and then. Nothing else can help me.

I went to the written exam on Wednesday. I realised I couldn't answer a lot of questions,; a lot of questions came out from passyear paper but I did not have time to do them. I saw many people finished the exam early and left confidently. My heart sank to the bottom.

Then I went to the oral exam on Thursday. It was disastrous. the first question was strange and unpredicted, I was terrified and lost my confidence for the subsequent questions. My mind went blank and I did not remember anything that I studied so hard for.

I came back to the room sobbing in tears again, thinking surely I would fail. And I would have to start all over again to prepare for another 6 months, and life had to pause again for this exam, etc etc etc.

Yet the Lord picked me up, I told myself, 'Siew Wai Wong ,Get up now and praise God.'

So I sang praises to Him in my sorrow and brokenness. I kept reading Psalm 23. 'Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. '

Yet I heard Him say, ' Don't be despaired, for tomorrow this time I will show you what MY Mighty power can do.'
Oh my faith was stretched to a point of breaking. I began to doubt if it was my OWN voice which said this.

The result came out today on the wall of the exam hall. When I saw that I have passed not just one, but BOTH subjects, I couldn't believe my own eyes. I checked 4 times to make sure I got my name and number right.

Then I broke down in tears immediately, even until now. I have been crying intermittently for a few hours now.

Oh Lord Oh Lord, It is all Him. Nothing in me that deserves that. He really did it for me as He promised. I am overwhelmed and humbled by His loving kindness for me. It reminds me of my salvation, I have done nothing to deserve it, yet He has given it to me freely.

And I cry not because of the exam, but because of who God is.
It is like when Jesus caused Peter to catch a lot of fish; after seeing this, Peter abondoned the fish and followed Him.

I promised God I would share this testimony with everyone, because it is all God's glory.

Withdrawal

2009-12-08T13:33:00.013+10:30

I am going to tell a story about one of my patients, Stan.(This is not the real name)

Stan was a middle aged man who unfortunately suffered from a condition named myotonic dystrophy. It was very unfortunate because myotonic dystrophy is a genetic disorder, the end result is the person's muscles become weak as the disease progresses, till he/she becomes too weak to breathe. In addition, the other organs are also affected by this genetic disorder, eventually they will fail too as the disease progresses.

Stan was on life support for more than 2 weeks now. The prognosis was dismal and after much discussion with various specialists and Stan's father, we decided to withdraw his life support and treatment on last Saturday.

In fact it was Stan's father who made the request . This does not happen all the time in ICU. Most commonly families do not understand that modern medical technology is not the answer to everything, and that the mortal body is not invincible.

Stan's father is a 70-80 year-old-man who has a head full of gray hair. He had been the carer of Stan for the last 50 years. Stan was wheel chair bound, so his old father nursed and cared for him faithfully day in day out, carried him in and out of the wheelchair.

So the decision of withdrawal of life support was made, but would not happen immediately because Stan's sister was still on her way from interstate to say bye to him for one last time.

Stan's father was there since that morning. He talked very loudly, with his normal cheerful tone. He held Stan's hand and told him about the fruit trees in the backyard. He smiled at everyone and said thanks to all of us. Everything seemed very ordinary.

It saddened me very much. Was he pretending to be strong on the outside? Or was he relieved? It must have been a very difficult decision to make. He had been faithfully caring for his son for the last 50 years, I am sure somehow or rather it was no longer a time consuming chore, it must have become a main part of his daily life where he found his purpose. I don't know, just a speculation. I might be wrong.

That afternoon was a quiet one and I finished my work early. For the whole day I felt very burdened for Stan and before I went home I went into his room. He was going to die in a few hours and I must tell him about God at any given chance!

He was lightly sedated so I was not sure if he would hear what I had to say. I gently held his hand, and told him that God loved him, and God wanted to be with him. I also told him that Jesus died for him on the cross so that his sins (just like mine) would be forgiven if he believed in Him.

His eyes were closed. I wasn't sure if he heard me. But the voice in me asked me to carry on. I was sure God was there and then.

'Stan, if you want to accept Jesus to be your Saviour, and be with Him, squeeze my hand,' I said.

I felt a gentle squeeze.

Was that him? Really?

I wasn't sure, so I asked again, 'Stan, squeeze my hand again if you believe in Jesus and want to be with Him. '

Another gentle squeeze.

My eyes got teary. I wasn't too sure if he really meant it, but I had done what I could.

I continued to hold his hand, and prayed with him. After all was said and done, I put down his hand, turned around and made my way out. The nurse just happened to come in, and said, ' Hey he waved goodbye to you!'

I turned my head again, yea Stan was waving good bye to me, weakly with his swollen hand.

I waved back and said cheerfully, ' Goodbye, Stan!'

I walked out of the hospital. For a very long time I let myself immerse in a mixture of sorrow and joy, knowing that treatment would be withdrawn, and Stan would die at 9pm. I thought of his loving father , after the past 50 years, this was the first night he would live without Stan.

That goodbye that I said to Stan was a real GOODBYE, for good.

I touched my heart. Oh well, to a certain extent I was glad that after 2 years of working in ICU, my heart had not turned hard and cold. Maybe God put me here for this.

I had many questions that I wanted to ask God about Stan. Did I do it correctly? Did he really accept Jesus as his Saviour? Was he going to heaven or hell?

You know what God answered me? He said, ' This is not your burden. It's Mine.'

Goodbye, Stan.

OMG 3 more dayssss

2009-10-21T22:42:00.002+10:30

and I am so not prepared in many ways. Things start getting very intense now as we are still running around getting things done.

And....I have not had my veil completed.... Shhhhhh...Yea I bought a single tiered veil , and I bought it inspite of it having only a tier because it is so beautiful. So I thought...Hmmm...I would fix it, just buy some tulle/lace and add it on, make it a two tier veil (the front tier is called the blusher veil where you have in front of your face as you walk down the aisle, I learnt all this just a few months ago) ...

So I thought I would fix it, just like how I attempted to make my own wedding gown in the beginning! Of course, after days of toiling I realised it wasn't easy at all to make a wedding gown, therefore paying big bucks for one that's professionally done is definitely worth the while.

Hehe.

And Kevin's mom and sis have just arrived this afternoon...Hmmmm they are so nice to me, and being with the in-laws is actually much easier than I thought...

She's so lovely and kind to volunteer herself to sew that veil for me! Awwwwww....I am very blessed.

And tomorrow when mom arrives in Adelaide, I am sure she won't mind putting on some buttons for my wedding gown :P

I am so excited.

Yes 3 more days.

Counting down 24-19=5

2009-10-19T11:04:00.002+10:30

5 more days to go!

I have finally finished my 3 day EMST course! It is indeed a huge relief. I can now finally concentrate on my last minute wedding prep/damage control etc...however you call it; and to concentrate on being a bride-to-be.

It is finally hitting me really hard that I am gonna get married! Yea yea everyone says nothing will change, but the fact is, everything will!

And I am especially mindful of the fact that there's only 5 more days left...and then I will be someone's wife, someone's daughter-in-law, someone's sister-in-law...

Sweaty palms...

Counting down...9 more days (for God)

2009-10-15T10:10:00.004+10:30

9 more days!

I can't believe how fast time has passed. 18 months have passed since we first met. It was at church , what a great place to meet the Mr Right! LOL just joking...

And then the connect group. And then several weeks of backwards and forwards. Then it was the lil apartment on Westminster Street; that was his birthday. Then it was the Chocolate Bean. Then again it was a several months of life amongst the many yeses and noes. Then the Great Ocean Road. The lighthouse. Melbourne. Back to the little townhouse in Chinatown, Adelaide.

He said he was drawn to me because of my smallness, my helplessness ; and the sadness that only he could pick up through my eyes and the photos that I took; and how carefully I hid it underneath my skin.

Maybe my close friends knew it, that's why 4 of them cried I told them about him. ( My dearest lil sister was one of them for sure).

And I seem to look very happy and relaxed since then, according to everyone.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am a happy person ever since Kevin came into my life. Don't get me wrong, I was never desperate for a boyfriend/husband since the beginning. I did have a few relationships in the past, but I was never a person who believed I would ever settle for a marriage. I had some sort of commitment phobia ( That's why I refuse to sign up a contract with any mobile phone company for this reason. I like prepaid. ) ....... I definitely did NOT believe that a boyfriend, a wedding and a husband is the solution to my loneliness.

I asked God to take him away so I would have no distraction in my life journey. I liked the plans that I drew up for myself. To be a specialist, to commit in long term overseas missions and go to the ends of the earth for God, and to be my mom and dad's girl forever.

But at the end, God asked me, 'Have I really called you to these? '

:)

Kevin came unexpectedly into my life. but he came at the right time. the perfect timing that only God can control. I tried pushing this back to God, 'Nah I will not take this. I will stick to my own plans for my life, God, after all I made all these plans for Your name's sake...'

But God said, 'Take it, for he is my blessing for you.' ..... so God put this back into my hands.

I was driving home yesterday after a long day of work. As I came to the traffic light near home, I was reminded of the differences in my life between now and then. I am glad that I am coming home to someone, to a home with lights on and dinner being prepared. ( Well we take turns to cook)

This is good.

God knows what I need. Not what I want.He cares for us, and He knows the deepest secrets and desires of our hearts, even when we think they are trivial. And God gives His blessings lavishly to whoever He wants to, more than what my hands can receive. Thank You Father. Thank You.

Counting down...24-13=11....

2009-10-13T14:52:00.002+10:30

I have to confess that I have been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last few weeks. Busy with work, then fell sick , then went back to Malaysia for my brother's wedding, then came back here, fell sick again, then it was work again... and on top of these is the mounting stress of getting wedding stuff done ,as well as of the preparation for a very important course that I am going to attend next week. ( Oh yes, I am attending a very important course that lasts for 3 days....I regret so much for putting my name down for the course that runs just a week before my wedding....)

And underneath these many layers of physical and emotional stress, there is this layer of emotion called pre-wedding anxiety. I think deep down inside I don't want to change my lifestyle. The thought of 12 more days left to my singlehood freaks me out sometimes.

Last week I had a nervous breakdown where I broke down in tears in front of Kev. He held my arms and came really close , I only recall his very big eyes when I think of this. He said 'baby, wedding preparation is never fun, who said wedding prep is fun? It is the joy and the celebration of that day that makes ppl forget the pain. '

...

In the midst of this emotional chaos, God has shown His face to me. He told me , everything is going to be alright.

I never argue with God because He knows better.

So I have decided to just surrender everything to Him. I have many millions of things on my task list, but today when I came back from my night duty I was like forget about it. Don't worry about the hundreds of thousnds of menial jobs awaiting me mocking me.

I spent my whole afternoon talking to God, searching my soul, writing down my thoughts and just be siew wai. I am not gonna let the enemy steal my joy.

I am beginning to enjoy this last 12 days of my singlehood.

COUNTING DOWN....24-12=12 ( For my mom)

2009-10-12T01:44:00.004+10:30

It is by convention that every modern day bride-to-be has a little story to tell as they count the days they have before THE DAY.

And since I am only gonna marry once in my lifetime, I thought this would be a cool thing to do. Maybe years down the road when I reread this series of count down entries I will have a silly grin on my face.

Phew...to be honest, I am pretty anxious now. The break outs on my face is the greatest evidence of my unexplained anxiety. My heart is constantly beating fast probably as a result of prewedding anxiety/excitement , and of course, caffeine and the adrenaline rush that I have at work.

These days I miss my mom even more.

God creates man and woman to be husband and wife, and when they are married they leave their respective parents and become one. This is a beautiful plan that God has for those who are called into a marriage.

I have a very complex mixture of feelings in me. I look forward to being married of course. But deep down inside the heavy feeling of not wanting to be separated from my mom and dad is getting to me. I miss my mommy.

Mom knows that I am highly stressed at this moment. She sent me a text message that goes like this, ' Try to relax, do one thing at a time. think of the beautiful days ahead. Imagine you putting on your wedding dress , walking into the church and all your guests standing up. And you will be the happiest woman on earth. All you have to do is to have sufficient rest.'

My mom is not a person who writes. She usually writes ' happy birthday, mama loves you and misses you very much,' on each of my birthday card. And when she sends an sms, she usually duplicates them so that my sister and myself will get the same version of texts.

This is one of the few times mom writes something at length to me.

I love you my dearest mommy. You are my hero. You are my role model. You are my best friend.

My boss, the THORN in my flesh - Introduction

2009-09-11T22:47:00.007+09:30

I really really have to write this down.

I have been having a tough time at work for many months now. Why? Because I have a boss who is insensitive and harsh to me. I prayed and fasted about this, I tried all means to be nice and friendly to him, I tried to convince myself that he generally treats everyone the same....I even tried to bless him in my prayer....

But nothing has changed. And it has come to a point that I am convinced he just does not like me. It has been 14 months since I started working there, and I have spent my entire 14 months analyzing this issue. The conclusion is, no matter what I do, he just doesn't like me. It is just me, no one else gets that kind of treatment from him.

I can't stand him, can't stand his attitude....He bragged about his intelligence, and once jokingly said that HE IS GOD AND ALL MUST LISTEN TO HIM!!!!

He has no freaking idea what he has done to me. He will just keep picking on everything that I do and I have ended up doubting myself and my own capability as a doctor. I dread going to work when I know he is on duty. I do not enjoy my work at all when he is around.....

BUT BUT BUT......this is not the end of my story...and certainly is not the focus of my sharing.

What I want to say is, all in all, God has His wonderful plan in this circumstance.

This boss of mine is not there by chance or merely by the scheme of Satan. I am convinced that God put him there for a very very important reason. (in fact, I believe it is not just for one reason....God's plan is so mighty that it encompasses everything)

This boss is there to be a thorn in my flesh!!!!!

Ouch! A THORNNNNNNNNN!!!!! Just like a wart on the sole of my foot that hurts in every step I take. Has anyone had a wart on the foot before? I had a big one and it made me crippled for months and I had to have it removed surgically.

And this boss of mine is a huge thorn and it irritates me soooooo much .

But I wonder what kind of person I would turn out to be if I had not such a big thorn in my flesh?
Surely a proud and egoistic swine. ( I like the terminology, 'swine' is a hot term nowadays)

What has God taught me through this humongous thorn in my flesh?

A lot.

I shall share in my next post. In fact, it has been an interesting journey and I think I will write a series of posts about this ;)

Yes I like the title of this post. The thorn in my flesh. Oh boy now that Thorny image of my boss will forever get stuck in my mind ... :D

a lazy Friday- I enjoy this very much

2009-08-07T14:16:00.003+09:30

My off-week is even sweeter after a week of hard work.

I love the freedom of sleeping in. Then I took my own sweet time to make myself a cup of coffee. I turned on my laptop, randomly chose a worship song and played it. I talked to God, and I read His Word.

Then I went swimming...came home. Made myself a heavy brunch.

I made myself a cup of coffee again. I turned on the music, read the BBC. I am tired of wars and terrorism and humanitarian crisis. I closed the news page.

The weather is awesome out there.

No more studying today, no more painting, no more photography. I think I will enjoy the afternoon with a good book in my hand.

i should write more

2009-08-02T23:50:00.002+09:30

I was in between G-chatting with Kevin, surfing net, looking at my eBay account, and trying to study physiology. Right in front of me is a 5 cm thick medical textbook, and it is mocking me, and laughing at me:(

By the way I am on night shift.

In my boredom I opened my Facebook page and began to browse through my friends' pages; friends whom I have not talked to for years. Facebook is great. It lets you sneak in to your friends world without being noticed, you merely close the window and get out of that world without leaving a mark.

But isn't that artificial? I have a big list of friends on my facebook , but how much do I really know about each of them...Facebook gives me a false sense of connection with my 'friends' , reassures me that yes, yes, they are still around, and they are aware that I am still alive too...

Okie...what's my point here? I'd better get back to work. Can't leave all the Mr and Mrs Smithsss for too long.

Shall I count down????

2009-07-06T21:41:00.002+09:30

Every girl ( well, ok, not every but most girls) wants to have a dreamy fairy tale style wedding when they get married. I am not sure if I was one of them ( I am using past tense. )

The fact about me is that I am not the type of girls who will sit down for the whole day and fantasize about that BIG day. (Infact, before this I did not even think I would marry anyone.....) Which kind of dress, which kind of flowers, which kind of bridesmaid dress, which shoes, which jewels , which hair style, which make up, which musics, which theme, which colour for the carpet ( thank God there's only one colour for the carpet)...

I am really not fussed. I just want my family and close friends to be there and celebrate this day with me. I just want to walk down the aisle to my husband. I don't need a perfect ceremony, I don't want to be anxious and stressed about THE day. I don't think 10 20 years later I will remember what shoes I wear on my wedding day, I certainly will not remember what songs the musicians play. But one thing I will remember, I will remember that I have had a fun and crazy wedding, and that I am married to him, and all my loved ones are there with me.

But having said that, it doesnt mean I have no anticipation for my wedding at all. I am very excited about it. Again, as I said, it is more so for the 'marriage' (or the holy union, if anyone wants to call it this way) and the celebration with my family, rather than the rituals and formality.

So, 3 more months to go, and I have not had everything on the list ticked. But so what?

happy birthday baby

2009-06-24T10:45:00.001+09:30

You are my heartsong. You are it.

Happy birthday to you, and in the many more years to come, I will celebrate each birthday with you , till death do us apart.

cold isnt it

2009-05-28T23:32:00.003+09:30

Autumn....

Photo taken by siew wai on a very cold autumn day....

the high and low of the world that I work in

2009-05-27T10:00:00.005+09:30

It has been 18 months since I started my ICU training. Is this what I really want to do? Yes and I enjoy doing this . Very much.

Having said this, like what my best friend said, this is a very unnatural environment to work in. The burden and stress can be exceedingly huge, because we often have to deal with life-and-death situations, well, almost on a daily basis. And not everyone gets better. Some make it , some don't.

There is always the presence of family and friends by the sick bed. Some come alone, some in a group. Some stay for the whole day, some just a short while.

But most of them who come are those who care deeply for the sick ones.

They usually sit by the patient's bed; sometimes they hold the patient's hands, sometimes they don't .

But all of them do one thing in common. They often stare at the patient's face for a long long long long time. (By the way, most of these patients in ICU are deeply sedated and on life support, i.e. they are in induced coma)

I always wonder, when they stare at their loved ones, what's on their mind? In their mindscape, what do they see? Or what are they trying to see or recall?

Are they having flashback moments of their sick old mother or father? In their mindscape are they reliving the moments when their mother or father held their little hands and walked them to school? The moments when they played with them in the park? Now the old mother is sick. Her hair is sparse and silver. Her skin wrinkles and sags. She is on the verge of dying. They stare and stare and stare at her, eyes are red and filled with tears.

On the other hand, some of them play an opposite role. They are the parents of the sick man. Sick man has not looked after himself throughout his life, he drinks his liver and smokes his lungs to death. He is very sick and also is on the verge of dying. The parents come every day. They wobble in with their walking sticks, and struggle to sit down. They too, stare at their child for a long long long long time.

What's on their mind? Are they reliving the moments when he was still a new born in their arms? What happened after that? Why did he go astray? Do they blame themselves for the path that he'd taken? Their eyes, are always filled with tears too.

I've seen a father who refused to believe his son was(and still is) in vegetative state. The young patient was discharged from ICU 7 months ago. I bumped into the father last month, shocked but sad to find out that his vegetative son is still in the hospital. He comes in every day to clothe, feed and care for him. I said bye to him, and saw him dropping his head and shoulders and dragging his feet on the very long corridor in the hospital.

Some visitors are neither the parents nor the children of the sick ones. They are the spouse(s).
Some have lived their lives together for 10 years, and for some others, 70 years.

What's on their mind when they stare at their husband/wife? The day when they first met and fell in love with each other? When the girl was youthful and beautiful, and the boy was toned and charming? And are they reliving the moments of fighting and hurting each other, and let their own hearts be filled with remorse. If only they could reverse time and treat each other better, love each other more.

I've seen old men who gently stroke the hair of their sick wife. I have seen old women who put their head on the chest on their sick husband. Not talking. Just staring. Just treasuring the last moments of thier company.

This is the environment that I work in. Not entirely it, but this is the valuable and emotional bit of it.

ICU has not just taught me clinical knowledge; it has put life-and-death right in front of my eyes. It's taught me to thank God for life, for health, for parents, for my fiance, for my loved ones.

So ICU still for me? Absolutely yes.

random

2009-05-15T00:11:00.005+09:30

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com - Pauline's Graduation

After a series of events and long hour shifts, I finally sat down, dug up the old files, and started organising the long overdue photos that I promised I would process.

And again, I found my passion again...Oh...after all it has never really left me ....

I saw 2 images...

2009-04-19T23:24:00.005+09:30

I saw 2 images this morning in my mind.

In the 1st imagery, there was a big wooden cross. It was dark but rays of bright light shone through thick clouds. I was wailing as I came close to the big cross. I couldn't see anything else but the cross because it was huge. As I came to the foot of the big wooden cross, I started hitting it with my palm. And every time I hit it, I saw my sins flowed from my body and went into the wooden cross. It was bizarre.

So I kept on hitting the cross with my palm. It became a constant rhythm. And more and more sins flowed out. Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! My sin, my shame, my guilt, my disappointments, my brokenness, my weaknesses, my failures, my filthiness....they left me with each hit.

I did not feel the pain in my palm. I felt more and more powerful in my body and the rhythm of hitting became faster.

I saw that I was telling Jesus, 'I am giving all my sins and shame unto the cross... ''

Then suddenly the imagery changed.

Suddenly I was holding a hammer in my right hand, and a big rusty nail in my left hand.

In the 2nd imagery I was still at the same place, still the same big wooden cross, but this time, there was someone on the wooden cross, it was Jesus Christ the Lord, God's one and only Son.

And this time, I was no longer hitting the empty cross with my palm. This time I was holding a big hammer and nail in my hands.

'NO!!!!!!!! Don't do that!' I tried to stop 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, but 'the Me' did not hear me.
Oh no! I know what is going to happen next! But I can't stop the evil Me from doing that!

In that imagery ,I started hammering the nail into Jesus' hand. Dang! Dang! Dang! ....It was the loud noise of one metal hitting another. I lifted up the hammer, and then again, dang! ...I forcefully pushed the nail another inch deeper into Jesus' palm.

Dang!...another inch deeper...Dang! ....another inch deeper....

The big rusty nail was pushed in completely, nailing Jesus firmly onto the big wooden cross.

End of the 2nd imagery..........

I won't forget this. I never will.

The noises of hammering, the yelling of the crowd, the splashing of His blood, and the sound of the nail hitting the wood.

The smell of blood , mixed with the smell of rust from the nail, and the smell of wood and dirt.

I will never forget about this. It was too real. I was right there and then.

I was the one nailing the Son of God unto the wooden cross. I am not innocent of this crime!

All of the sudden I realised what God was telling me thru the 2 images. They have to overlap , and it forms the Gospel.

The 1st image is the result of the 2nd image. The hitting of sins onto the cross brings me forgiveness, but it doesnt come without a cost. The reality is, we all are responsible for His death of the cross. We are the reason why He died. None of us can escape and say 'I don't know who Jesus Christ is , and I have nothing to do with Him.'

We all are guilty of His death and like 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, we all held our hammers and nails and we all corporately nailed the Son of God onto the cross.

That's what Gospel is about, that for God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. It is nothing religious nor complicated.

It simply means, Jesus willingly died on the cross for us, and as He was nailed on the cross, our sins and shame were nailed with Him onto the cross as well. And His death brings us forgiveness, and we are again reunited with God the Father our Creator, otherwise we will perish eternally because of the inherent sin that is in us.

I have known the Gospel for a long time, and I have tasted the goodness of God , I have been living in His presence and grace every day........but this time, the images shocked me to the core. I knew Christ died for me, I have heard that some people have seen similar vision. But until I see it myself, the Gospel has never been so real to me.

I will never forget the smell of His blood, and the sound of hammering .

Oh Lord, thank You for dying for me on the cross. Thank you dying for all the readers that are reading this post. You did this because You love all of us.

my decision

2009-04-12T13:22:00.002+09:30

I love my job, I love to do what I am doing and love to envisage what I will possibly do in future in my medical career. But have you sometimes come to a place where you feel there is still far too wide a gap from your point A now to your point B in future. I am in this stage. There is an outcry in my heart, I wanna move forward and take ground forcefully, but something is being obstructive here. And I can't advance because of certain circumstances.

The self pity voice cries in my heart, and the distance from my point A now to the future point B seems to be amplified by this.

And I love my job yet I dread going to work. I can hardly recollect any days in my career that I dreaded going to work.

Then God spoke to me again in the midst of chaos.

'Worship is not an option but it is a deliberate decision you have to make.'

Hmm... sometimes we forget that worship is a deliberate decision. We get carried away by the things in the world, our emotions, our ups and downs etc. We let our circumstances determine our reactions.

A change in perspective will make a sharp upturn.

And so, I surrender my burden to You, and I know that You will come to my rescue.

sentiment

2009-04-03T10:48:00.013+10:30

This was taken in January this year.

I put this up because I am missing my parents dearly. I was driving home from work on my birthday, and my memory went back to my childhood. I wondered what I looked like as a newborn in the arms of my parents.

Mom used to hold my small hands everywhere she brought me.

another year older

2009-03-30T22:27:00.003+10:30

It's my birthday again! For those who have forgotten, it is ok:) I know you still love me.

Honestly speaking, I think 31st March is such a special date for a few reasons... Datelines are always set on 31st March; when something has to expire or due in March, it is always due on 31st March. Has anyone noticed it? Or because it is my birthday, therefore I pay extra attention to this day. Everytime I see this date on any advertisement/publication/bills/warning letters etc etc, I will smile and think out loud ,'don't you know it is my birthday?!' (esp when I receive warning letters hahaha)

Anyway, birthdays are great. Everyone's.

This year I think it will be a quiet birthday. Most of my close friends are not around me anymore. And I have been so busy working. Looks like Kevin has prepared something.

I just wanna say, all birthdays are great, because on this day, God brought you to the world.

Happy 31st March 2009!

the Black Cat

2009-03-08T00:52:00.006+10:30

TaDa!!! Lemme introduce the new member of the house! Daaaaaaaaaaa BLLLLLAAAAACCCCKKKKK CAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!

And I have always wanted a black car!

My brandnew Mazda 3, metallic black with tinted windows, hatchback, sleek and handsome; 2.0L , 5 speed manual the gear changes smoothly and very powerful for this class of cars.

I know I am doing badly . Let my Black Cat make his grand entrance by himself!

On the other hand, I wonder where my Purple Monster is right now... is he in good hands? is he out there in the cold and dark?

for u

2009-02-13T03:15:00.004+10:30

I will defend you , and us.

In this life I have never met anyone like you. Sometimes I forget. But when I remember to count my blessings, I know I have not made the wrong decision.

You are it.

And you know who you are.

my car is suicidal!

2009-01-22T18:01:00.004+10:30

Purple Monster is fed up with life. He's had enough of his master.

He started to show signs of depression 2 years ago and I should have noticed it! My mistake, I was too busy with my own life and paid too lil attention to him. He started showing traits of ageing, and I attributed that to borderline personality disorder. U know, people with borderline personality disorder usually are attention seeker who threaten to attempt suicide or self harm.

Everytime when he flashed out 'check engine', I thought he was throwing tantrum or having his episodes of borderline personality disorder.

I should have noticed it.

Poor Purple Monster, who has gone through the ups and downs of life with me in the last 4 years. He has been with me when I was in my highest and my lowest in life. He has seen my laughter and tears. Many times when I cried and prayed in car, he would just be quiet and bring me to places I wanted to go. When I was on high and sing praise songs to God at my highest pitch, he would run even faster as though he shared my joy.

Purple Monster has served me well. Together, both of us has brought many people to church.
He's seen ppl come and go. Some stayed only for a short while, some stayed longer.

I remember 4 years ago I saw him on the internet, his previous master put him on sale. We met in a carpark, and the first time I saw him I fell in love with him. I was so proud that I finally owned my own car! And he was a smart looking car!

But he was not easily tamed. I had not driven a manual car for 8 years until I met Purple Monster. I remember I spent a few hours on the first day trying to get on top of him, and I must say I did well.

I confess that I am not a good master. Purple Monster has only been bathed 8 times, the first time was when my ex's parents visited Adelaide. The 2nd time was when my parents visited me. The 3rd and 4th time were at the prepaid Happy Wash station with Fuzzy, and that was very therapeutic for me. The 5th , 6th ,7th and 8th time he was bathed by the rain I guess.

I recall one incident where I could not find Purple Monster in the hospital carpark after a heavy rain. I went round and round the carpark and finally saw a sparkling dustless purple car. Guess what, I forgot what he looked like under the thick coat of dust.

Purple Monster started getting sick and weak. I brought him to the doctor every 6 months, and each time the doctor would shake his head and ask me how long more do I intend to keep him.

I knew he wasn't very well.

So he attempted suicide twice last week. Or maybe that wasn't even an attempt. Maybe he is really tired and over it. He stayed in the car hospital for 1 week, had a few organ transplants and made it.

I really felt like giving an 'NFR'( Not For Resuscitation) order to the doctor. I felt Purple Monster has had enough in his life.

I should just let him go...

the developing world- the reality

2009-01-09T23:47:00.003+10:30

I am currently attending what they call an intensive medical mission course. It is really pretty intensive. Information-packed-lectures go on from 9am to 5pm , Monday to Friday for 3 weeks. Not to mention that a medical mission course at a bible college always starts with morning mini church serive.

So we are taught tropical infectious diseases, not just the disease itself, but the concept about working in the undeveloped or developing nations. It is very conceptual.

WHO statitics show that 1 child dies of preventable diseases or any cause in every 10 seconds. That means, from now, let us start counting....10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0.... ok, one child has just died unnecessarily. Lets start again. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0... another child has just died now.

It is very scary. Why do these children ( I have not mentioned about men and women) die just like that everyday?

Because they are poor. We think we are poor when we can't afford the latest version of MacBook or iPhone; or can't afford to travel to Europe for a nice long holiday...or can't afford to buy a 300K home ; or can't afford to buy an European or Japanese car.

We are catogorised by the UN as the top 9%. Admit it or not, we are the affluent group of ppl in the world.

60% or ppl are in poverty. Either mild, moderate or extreme poverty.

Poverty means the whole household ( I mean, mom and dad and the 5-6 kids altogether as a household) have to work everyday to make an income of less than 1 dollar a day, either on the field or in garbage tips.

If they are lucky they stay in a small room under the same roof and eat a meal a day.

So what's the problem?

Poverty leads to overcrowding of living environment, no food, no healthcare and no education. Overcrowding leads to increased transmission of infectious diseases; no food means malnutrition and very low immunity; no healthcare means no healthcare of course, and no vaccination. So, when a child catches an infection (it is just as easy and as certain as getting a fine after crossing the red light) , the child dies, either very quickly or slightly slower.

So, no education? Hence no improvement of the current condition. The powerless, the poor and the needy stay more and more powerless, poor and needy forever, for many many more generations to come , if they are lucky to live.

And why should this affect us? If this doesn't move you, then for your sake, think that outbreak of diseases will sooner or later spread to the affluent countries. And it will affect all of us. (Anyway, this might fulfill what the Scripture say about the destruction of the earth and the heavens when Christ comes again )

But from the biblical perspective, it is to restore justice via the restoration of equality . God loves justice and being His disciples , don't we also love justice?

My anger is roused as I learn about the situations in the poorest of the poor nations. A lot of the embarrassing situations can be reversed if there's enough resources and appropriate distribution of these resources, and the cooperation of the local governments and other agencies.

The UN set goals to stop deaths from Malaria by 2015 with the budget of about 3 billion dollars. The experts (and myself, even though I am not an expert) believe it is possible.

The irony is, the iraq war that kills thousands burns 3 billion dollars in no time.

Sigh. I dunno. I have too much to say but does my speech matter at all? Could it have saved the 180 children that died in the last 30 mins while I wrote the post?

the same patient..

2008-12-30T23:00:00.002+10:30

part 2...

So after a few days off, I went back to work last wee. And that patient (read my previous post) has been staying in ICU since then.

Guess what....He is now reading the Message Bible and 'What so amazing about Grace' by Philip Yancey. That's really amazing.

I told him that I'd been praying for him, and each time he would look at me as though it was something huge...and nod his head, said 'Thank you, really!'

And every now and then he would share with me about his thoughts...and that he has misunderstood God, and now he is enjoying God's grace.

And he is really keen to visit the church that I go to.

He said,' Hey guess what, I told my wife about what you told me and she nearly fell over! She couldn't believe it and who knows, she might come with me to your church, and my son too!'

I don't dare to claim any credit for myself. All I hope and pray for is his transformation and the salvation of his whole family and his friends!

Who knows what God has planned for him?

Who knows if God will use him to bring other drug addicts to Him?

We shall see what will happen. However, even if nothing would happen, I believe the seeds were planted. Everything will happen in due time.

and HE found him...in the hospital

2008-12-25T18:10:00.005+10:30

God works in mysterious ways that we never know, because He is God, and He often catches us off guard.

I have a story to tell.... 01:30 am, Christmas Day 2008.

I was working on a night shift in ICU. That wasn't really my shift, but out of good will I volunteered to cover my Aussie colleague who just has a young baby , obviously she would deserve to spend her Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with her family.

So I was working. The clock ticked past 12 am , and hurray, Merry Christmas!

There was a 40 year old man who was brought in the ICU for his badly damanged kidneys for investigation. This man is noted to be a long term IV drug user.

Somehow I felt very burdened for him. I felt compelled to tell him about Christ.

It so happened (I believe it was a divine appointment) that he needed short term dialysis for his stuffed kidneys, and my job was to insert a dialysis catherter into his groin.

So I was all scrubbed up, and started preparing his groin for the procedure. Then I casually started a conversation with him revolving around Christmas.

Finally I asked, 'Do you know the real meaning of Christmas?'

'Yea, about the birth of Christ into the world. '

Wow..this man seems to know a lil bit, I thought. Then I went on sharing the Gospel with him, and told him that no matter what sins he had commited in the past, God will forgive him and give him a new start, as long as he believes.

At this point, he was stunned, speechless, and his eyes turned red and teary.

A brief moment of silence.

Then he said,' I can't believe God sent me a Christian doctor....' and he repeated that twice.

I didn't know what he meant by now, being filled with the Spirit (hmm...how come I felt as though I was the apostle in the NT? ), I started telling him,

'God is not done with you, that's why you are still alive today after all the drug abuse. And He has planned a great destiny with abundant blessings for you, what happened in the past is in the past, and your life in future is not determined by the past failures. Today is your day of breakthrough and He is calling you to turn to Him, and He will renew you ...etc etc'

(I can't remember exactly what I said, all the more it proves that it was the Spirit speaking through me)

Then this patient started tearing.

He told me he used to go to church, and he still believed in God. Just that he'd been back and forth addiction to the drugs, and he felt he was not good enough to be a Christian and God would not be pleased with him. He tried and tried many times but he failed, so he gave up all together.

Even though he thought God must have forgotten about him, he still secretly hoped that God would one day reach down to him and help him....

He continued to tear and said, 'HE has not forgotten about me, HE has found me even in the hospital, by sending you to tell me this. '

He kept saying this, 'HE has found me even in the hospital...'

At the end he decided to repent and turn back to God, and learn to rely on God's strength to get rid of his drug addiction.

He said it himself, 'Salvation is by grace. '

I grabbed his address, and told him I 'd write to him and pray for him so that he's not alone. He said, 'No, I am not alone, God has found me agaín. '

I prayed for him before I left, and gave him the chuch contact details.

Hmmm

I am really touched. Really really touched. Through this I have seen it with my own eyes the power of His grace, and experienced with my own heart the love of God. There is no sin so big that God will not forgive. There is no distance so far away that God cannot reach us. No matter how far we run from Him and try to hide, He will find us. He never forgets.

He has found him, even in the hospital.

The cross

2008-12-19T12:53:00.004+10:30

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I love this photo that I took as I walked past a church.

I love the fact that the cross stands tall with the thick layers of dark cloud as the backdrop. And the sharp contrast between the bright and white cross and the dark cloud. The sky was clearing up and a streak of blue began to be visible.

Even darkness is not dark because the glory of the Lord has overcome all darkness. Just lift up your chin and eyes, look past the buildings, look past the crowd, look past everything else, and the cross will always stand tall.

I have learnt this through the years of walking with God. Lift up your eyes like a conqueror, and you will see the cross, and Christ is no longer on the cross because He has ascended to His throne.

Merry Christmas:) all the world.

What does God want from me?

2008-12-12T01:04:00.002+10:30

He wants nothing but my love. Not love with any string attached, but a childlike love from a pure heart.

Unfortunately , I am a mere mortal.

It is so easy to be entangled with the ways of the world. I have not strayed away, I have not consciously sinned against Him, I have not abandoned His commandments. But have I forgotten about the cross? Maybe.

And that's a sin.

The greatest commandment, to love my God with all my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength.

What does God want from me?

It is in here, in my chest, and that's the place He put my heart.

I will love and worship You in my place of obscurity now.

And never let me forget, what You save me from.

oil painting

2008-12-08T23:48:00.005+10:30

I have always wanted to try oil painting but for some unknown reasons I have never had the motivation to do it.

Until today. This is my first experimental oil painting on canvas.

My mindscape is filled with many different colours and images. I feel the artist in me is slowly waking up again.

nostalgia

2008-11-28T02:37:00.005+10:30

I stayed up late...I get to do this sometimes, very rarely. It's my off-week, staying up and sleeping in is perfectly justified.

I am in a very nostalgic mood now.

I thought of all my friends who have crossed my path. I thank God for them...some were in my life for a short period of time, for a certain purpose that only God knows; some were for a lil longer, and of course, some are still lingering in my life now.

I thought of Skye tonight. He has been with me since 1995. We saw each other's ups and downs. He was always the angry big brother who was a bit too over protective, and held grudge against all boys who dared to come near me, because they were not good for me. I asked him all the time (I still ask him now), ' am I your best friend?' , just for fun.

I know the answer, we don't need to say anymore. ' Best friend' is a very loose term. None of us in this world have only one best friend for the whole life. People come and go, we have a best friend in kindie, a best friend in primary school, another best friend in high school, and best friend in college, in uni, in workplace, in church, ...in different phase of our lives, God gives us different friend/group of friends to journey with us.

This makes our lives colourful and sentimental. You were my best friend in primary school, but for some reasons, we lost touch with each other...we hardly hear from each other anymore, but you hold a special place in my heart...then you were my best friend, now u still are, in a special way...

I think of Yean Ching. We knew each other since 1988, and were like twin sisters since then until high school. We had our secret codes, and we used to spend hours on the phone everyday. She's in the States now. I dunno what she's doing but I still think of her sometimes. Yean Ching...I wanna tell you I am getting married...

I think of KaGee and Shu Kuen. We were so close in Form 4-5. We stayed over at each other's place, we had our own shared journal, we talked about dreams and our future...

I think of Fei Gei , we made our first backpacking trip together at 15. We kinda got distant from then.

I think of Ming. We were 16 and we shared about our ambitions to change the world, to make the world a better place. He accepted Christ a few years back too...we met again this year, it was a very heart warming experience to be able to talk about Christ. We still wanna change the world, but now in Christ =)

I think of my friends in Ringwood...Ah Gu, Woan Yi...I miss those days dearly. I am still having you guys now :)

I think of ah Voon. My heart broke when she went back home for good. We were so close, so close, so close to each other. We lived under the same roof, we went to the same church, we did everything together. She's amazing and I love her so much. I believe we aren't done with each other.

I think of Tan Tan...the silly girl who has touched my heart. I know her journey. I know her ups and downs; as well as she knows mine. I remember the long nights of holding hands and walking randomly on the street, passing the baton to her. I remember she once said ,' it's so powerful when we serve together....' One day she'll leave too...Oh how I love and miss her..

I think of my OCF committee in 2005-06. I think of everyone there. Arthur, Goh No, Paul, Qi, Ling,wei jian...of course voon and tan tan. I remember spending every Saturday morning praying together and sharing...I remember how supportive and teachable they were. I remember how they were the pillars of this ministry. What can a president do without her capable committee? I loved each of them.

I think of my Fuzzy...ngaw...She is so cute, so full of life, so funny...We got very crazy in the company of each other. The outings were never boring because of her. She's a true friend who will stand up for me and protect me from unnecessary/ potential threat. I miss you u know...Adelaide is different without u.

And many more...many many more names that I remember and cherish , many many more familiar faces that have appeared in my life and owned a corner in my heart. And, many many more who are with me now...

As I count my blessings, I thank God so much. All the scenes of my life flash like videa clips in my mind, and as private and aloof as I am , they still involve friends who have shared my journey.

I wonder what they will write on my tombstone, one day if I join my Father in Heaven. Will they remember me like how I remember them?

This is not a tombstone, just a chimney in a beautiful evening when the sky was purple. I took this photo across the fence...

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Merry Christmas

2008-11-27T16:53:00.004+10:30

The photo was taken on King William Road.

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Merry Christmas =)

A slow walk after dinner with your loved one...a camera in hand, the spring breeze, the setting sun casting her last beams on a scratched glass door...

Life is simple and beautiful.

Risk taking

2008-11-26T18:01:00.004+10:30

It has been a long time since I shared the Gospel with strangers. Friends, yes. They are alright because they know me and my story , so there's not much of risk involved in sharing the gospel with my unsaved friends.

But the last time I evangelised to a stranger was 4-5 months ago, while I was still working in ED. There were plenty of opportunities to minister to my patients.

For some reason, I have stopped doing so.

And it doesnt feel right...as though I have lost the saltiness of salt in the world. Pastor Matt gave a very inspiring sermon on Sunday. Risk taking. Share the gospel to everyone. What do you have to lose? Christ lost his life (willingly) for us, what do we lose if we in turn tell His story of sacrifice?

So I've decided to again take the risk. Can't be a jolly happy Christian and be content in my own salvation and blessings.

Yesterday after work , I brought a small bible to one of my ex-patients who was discharged from ICU. He nearly died of severe lung disease because of chronic smoking. But somehow miraculously he survived and stayed with us for more than 3 weeks on the breathing machine. He has made drastic recovery, now here he is, sitting in the chair on a normal ward.

I brought that lil bible who has been sitting in my bag for ages. I chatted with him briefly...and handed him the bible as a christmas gift. I told him that he survived this time for a greater purpose. God is not done with him...and Christ died for him etcetc.

I noticed a change in his expression as I gave him the bible. He said he would read it . I dunno what else I could say, just prayed in my heart that God would speak to him through His very own Word.

Then today as I was walking to the gym, a young woman caught my sight. She looked sad and weird; her eyes were filled with some form of fear and uncertainty. She was just standing there...waiting for something.

I walked past her. For some reason I kept thinking of her. I kept on walking...but my heart was very unsettled. Hmm....what do I have to lose, just take the risk.

So I turned back. Strangely she also began to walk to where I was (although I am pretty sure she wasn't after me) . I stopped her...and asked if she was ok. She was obviously shocked by the greeting of a stranger...I told her my heart felt strange when I walked past her and just felt like telling her that Jesus loves her.

Her expression changed. I couldnt tell what that expression was about...but at least I know what I spoke carried certain impact.

Anyway...it's not that difficult at all. All I need is just a willing heart and constant prayer. God will use every occasion and opportunity to speak to His ppl through us.

La Mer

2008-11-23T20:28:00.003+10:30

La Mer means The Sea in French....

I have liked this song for a long time...the first time I heard it was in an arthouse film...

Then I think I heard it again in one of the best French and foreign language films called The Diving Bell and the Butterly...

An absolutely beautiful song...it is like it brings my feet off the ground, and I start floating in the sky...flying across the ocean...like God is showing me the beautiful creation...

La Mer...

backache

2008-11-21T11:48:00.002+10:30

From now on I will be more empathetic towards my patients with backache...

Now I know what it feels. Sigh. The persistent muscle spasm is killing me. I can't seem to find a comfortable position, can't sit, can't stand, can't lie on my back, can't sneeze can't cough can't bend over, can't walk too long...can't exercise...

Kevin said he would bring me to see a GP and he promised he would not tell the GP that I am a doctor too...

I know what they will tell me...here's some pain killer, rest in bed for a few days, the pain should go away , if it doesnt recover in a few weeks, come back and do an xray and we will see how it goes...

I saw a couple of dozens of patients with backache in ED , this was what I would say to them...

More photos

2008-11-21T11:18:00.008+10:30

More photos on www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

Back in those days (last year, not that long ago), this used to be one of my favourite places.

When I got a bit lonely, when I felt a lil melancholic, I would grab my camera bag and spend the whole afternoon here.

God often speaks gently to me through His beautiful creation. Look at the ducks, look at the birds, look at the flowers and treees...If I care to make them beautiful, how much more I will care for you? :)

The BIG 4th of Novermber, 2008

2008-11-12T13:34:00.006+10:30

So I have something to tell the world.

Come and meet my fiance...Kevin.

Be happy for me won't you? :) For I have found my true love. God is really good.

It was a beautiful night and we went to a good old cafe for dinner. I remember that place. He held a farewell dinner there...just before he left for Melbourne for good. We dint think anything would happen at all from then.

Then we took a slow walk to the old chocolate place on Rundle Street. Hmmm....that was where we first confessed to each other...

So we were on Rundle street, as we turned into the small alleyway, he suddenly knelt down...brought out this big shiny monster....and asked me the big question...

How would I say no while he was doing this in the middle of the street? Stupid man! I looked left and right to make sure if anyone saw us....then a very very hasty nod...

'okie okie...quick...hurry up...a lot of ppl are watching..!!'

So he put the ring on my finger... got up from his knee...and we hugged for a long time....

Some bystanders who were getting into their car saw us obviously...they gave us a honk and raised their thumbs to cheer for us.... sweet.

hmmmm.......

:) I am a silly woman smilling like crazy. I know it must be God...but I dunno what courage He has given me to bring me to this stage. I would not have pictured this a few months ago.

My hermit crab life in the shell was comfy though it was also dark and cold.

A boy hermit crab came along, left his own shell, crawled to my shell home, knock knock knock....

knock knock knock.....until I opened the door...

He grabbed my hand, and dragged me out of that shell.

What would my life be if he chose to ignore his feeling for me in the first place? What would we be now if I dint open my mouth and tell him, ýes, I would be lying if I said I didn't like you...'

What if I continued to be an ice princess to him...What if he didn't come to Adelaide at all for that one year...

We could have missed each other just like that... this possibility scares me.

But I see the work of God everywhere from the beginning to now. Who is able to move a stubborn mountain like me other than God? God must be laughing out loud now....

'Who was this girl who said out loud about her gift of celibacy? Did I give her this''gift''?

Who asked ME to take this man away? '

No one knows what we need more than God does. He knows. And He cares deeply for each of us. Things will come when we seek His kingdom first. and when it comes, it comes beautifully , at the right time, to the right place. That's God. That's Him.

soul searching...

2008-11-03T21:13:00.002+10:30

I've fallen in love with intensive care medicine.

I love it I love it I love it.

What about surgery? I have been asking myself and God a lot a lot of questions.

Not that I have not faith to walk the rough surgical path. But God began to show me He has not called me to be a surgeon.

Then why did I have the burning desire to be a surgeon? If it wasn't God then why did I have the desire?

Then I realised that becoming a surgeon has become a goal that drives me forward. Deep down inside, maybe I wanted to prove something. When I talked or thought about surgery, it always involved a lot of hardships and sufferings. I felt suffocated by this dream.

I kept asking God to show me.

Then until I did my ICU rotation (and I am still doing it now)... It is a totally new and interesting experience. I have fallen in love with it. I can see myself doing it as a specialty.

And it is a different feeling from surgery. In surgery, I see myself chasing goals, proving myself and playing the politics game. But in Intensive Care, I see myself thriving.

Everyone says the same thing about intensive care and me. 'Siew Wai, you are cut out for this. you are thriving. you are so passionate when you talk about intensive care. '

Yes, I think so. I think so....

So I was meant to finish off my intensive care rotation today and change over to surgery tomorrow. This morning I had a crazy idea, what if I stay on for 1 more term and ditch surgery?

But I have to find someone to replace me in my surgical position....

I asked my friend B who is currently in surgery, if he was keen to stay on there to replace me...but B was meant to move to anaesthetic department even though he is dying to carry on in surgery; so he cant replace me unless he found someone to replace him in anauesthetics. So what now?....

You will not believe this.

My other friend C who is now in ICU with me is keen to go to anaesthetic department...but he couldnt go because no one would replace him in ICU....

In the end , my friend C is very happy to replace B in Anaesthesia department; so B can stay on in the surgical department; and because B is staying on in the surgical department , he can replace me; and in turn, I will replace my friend C in Intensive Care.

All 3 of us are very happy,...we have got what we wanted. Looks like a perfect solution that pleases everyone!!!

I know it must be God. MUST BE GOD....Just within 1-2 hours...the problem was solved and I get to stay on in ICU.

:) looks like ICU is for me.

23/10/08

2008-10-23T14:10:00.004+10:30

I sat down and had a look at my 2009 calender. I dunno since when my life has been 'governed' by diary and calender...

3 weeks of mission course in January

Change job in February

4 big courses interstates over 4 weekends in Feb/march/april

research paper to be published

My brother gets married in March

Hopefully an interview with the Surgeons College in June

Hopefully a 2-3 week mission trip in September

......

....

.....and endless nights of study

and work...and work....

I won't have time for myself...for church...for friends and family.

I feel so weary looking at these. Sometimes I feel like opting for an easy way out....maybe just be an emergency physician? only 5-6 years of training...hassle free.

But if it is God's will, He will surely make a way for me won't He? =)

The battle has just begun.

Looking at potential obstacles does not help us. But looking at God the author and perfector of our faith is the only way to go.

I trust in You , My Lord.

If I make it through, it will be all by His grace.

the JAW....

2008-10-21T12:15:00.003+10:30

okie, this is not about the man-eating-shark. Not the film the Jaw...but my jaw.

Kevin was in town 2 months ago, at my place.

I said 'Lets have some dinner rolls.' ..So I proudly took out the Woolworth dinner rolls that I just bought, and put them into the microwave.

' Noooooo!! You aren't supposed to cook them in the microwave! You have to oven it!' ..he said...

Oops..but in order to prove my point, and to show him how great an invention microwave is, I insisted that microwave was great for cooking everything.

So I cooked my dinner rolls in the microwave....and it turned out rubbery hard, of course.

It's ok. I was proving my point, so I had to happily tear and chew the bread roll . At least I had to pretend that it was a pleasant and happy eating experience.

By this time Kevin has already abondoned eating the breadroll. He stared at me in disbelief.

Yeay!! I was almost done! Just one more bite! ...Suddenly I felt my left jaw was clicking and sore, as though it had fallen off .

So.... as the story goes on...

I think I have partially dislocated my jaw. Now I can't open my mouth big and wide. I can't eat anything hard/crunchy. I have to double up the time on chewing , and everything that I put in my mouth has to be cut into small pieces.

And it clicks each time I chew.

Awww...... There goes the era of stuffing a whole orange(small orange) in my mouth and eating 6 slices of pizza in 15 minutes.

Everyone laughs at this...Apparently no one cast their sympathy because the injury was self inflicted. sigh...

My friend said 'Maybe God has to use this to teach you to be feminine and eat like a lady. hahaha'

Hmm..it is truly very amusing. I told you, I think God has given me a 'clown' like spirit to amuse ppl around me.

15/10/08

2008-10-15T12:33:00.009+10:30

(My drawing...15/10/2008)

Have u had those moments where suddenly the presence of God is so overwhelming that u can't help but weep?

When He comes like that, you will feel His one gentle touch melts your heart away. All the life that you have lived in the past count for nothing compared to the one face-to-face moment you have with God.

And the world around you spins. All the scenes in the past play in your head like a slideshow running at 10/10 speed. You are again reminded how bad a sinner you were and who saved you from hell.

Who has saved you? He.

And He saved you once, He is still saving you again and again from your everyday battle. His never ending love, grace and mercy know no limits.

I don't understand His love at all. The more I know Him the more I realise I didnt actually understand Him.

I studied a lot into the subject of 'Grace'.

But I've also learned that no one is the best teacher of 'grace' but God Himself. It can't be taught. It can only be experienced. I remember I posted once about this. Once you've tasted grace, you will not forget it.

When He comes to you, He comes with His grace. And He wraps His arms around you....

Hmmm...I had this moment again . Couldn't help it...but ran home and drew this picture. Oh I love You Jesus.

Let there be LIGHT

2008-10-14T13:42:00.003+10:30

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I really like this photo that I took in Sydney. It was at a very quiet train station, with my dearest sister. Again...a train station. Train stations are always a place of inspiration to me.

As I looked at the staircase thru the viewfinder and pressed the shutter button, God whispered in my ear, ' Let there be light and there is light.'

The light shines from above into the darkness, and it casts its brightness on each step that I climb upwards...

Like a stage. 'Chinnggggg' the spotlight is turned on, the solo dancer dances gracefully on the steps in the beam... :)

I love this imagery.

i just like this

2008-10-10T22:27:00.003+10:30

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Again, this is one of the shots from the Tulip Festival. I quite like this. Like God was looking at me from above...

But I am not that strong all the time.

I have had moments of weakness, and my failures that I wish God didn't point out to me.

Where is my first love?

Chasing after the dreams and the thing called 'calling' has blinded my vision and hardened my heart.

I lived like a rich man who would not let go of his treasure and follow Jesus.

I remember, when I had nothing, God was my best friend and first love.

Must come back to my first love. Not my career. Not my dream and calling.

----

Just random...

I was almost gonna sign up to take part in the Adelaide Fringe 09 for visual art/photography exhibition.

Hmm... anyway, I didnt think I was ready for that scale.

Maybe 2010 :)

The flowers - the Gardener

2008-10-07T23:56:00.009+10:30

Sometimes we feel forgotten and abandoned.

Sometimes we have broken dreams, broken hearts, broken relationships...

We feel we are all alone.

No one understands us...

Even we pity ourselves.

And as though our enemy is laughing at us...'look at you, what a pity...you are all by yourself..'

It's true. I am all by myself.

But God picks me up and plant me in solid foundation. He grows me, waters me, and naurishes me.

I can survive in any condition any place.

Even if it is by myself, I grow strong.

And I become stronger and stronger in God's hands.

He is the Gardener.

I blossom and flourish in His Garden.

He looks at me from the heaven. He smiles and says, ' Hmmmmm....this is good and beautiful.'

( Tulip Festival, Victoria, 4/10/08 ..... www.siewwai.zenfolio.com )

next year...

2008-10-01T02:22:00.004+09:30

I got a job for next year!:)

Don't be surprised that I am so happy.

People generally think that doctors are the very blessed group of profession who do not have to worry about unemployment. Unfortunately it is not that case anymore.

Well...lemme rephrase that, getting a job is easy, but getting something that you really want is another story.

A few months ago I put in my application for a surgical position in another hospital for next year.
Then there was a very long period of waiting. In that period all I was told by various sources was, the surgical positions were very limited and due to a large number of applicants, there was a high chance that I might not be offered the job.

I was very cool about it in the beginning, but as days went by and I'd not heard anything from the hospital, my anxiety level began to increase.

But God has been very good to me. He has not failed to speak the truth to me in my darkest hours. When the enemy tried to tear me down with his lies, God guarded me with His word and promise.

My heart has been burning to be a surgeon. When I close my eyes I dream of operating on the mission field. But how do I get there? It seems so far and impossible. The training is difficult, and to get me in to the training program is in itself a difficult process. How do I do that?

God keeps reassuring me that He has spoken and He will do it. Just believe.

--

Last Friday.
My friend told me he did not get the job. Oh no! I thought. This is not good for me....:(

He applied for the same position , and he has done so much more preparation than I have. They rang him a week before for a phone interview, yet he was rejected. How about me....I have not even heard anything from them up to then..

I felt my heart was sinking and sinking...I remember I was babbling to God , pleaseeeeee help me... I had no other option but to trust in God.

At about 3pm , half way thru my work, God spoke to me. 'Now go and check your phone.'

I rushed to the office, grabbed my phone, and guess what....

God's timing is always good. I saw a missed call and a voice mail from the hospital. I returned the call, and was told that I was offered the job.I don't even have to go thru any interview.

Oh Lord...I am so grateful for His provision. I've done nothing, I know it is all Him. Even though I am not in the training program yet, but by giving me this job for next year God is showing me that I am on the right track and He will open more doors when the time comes.

How wonderful our Lord is. I wanna sing for Him, I wanna dance for Him. I know that if I become a surgeon, it is He who makes it happen. I have nothing to offer Him, but my inadequacy and weaknesses. I know He loves me. ' The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ' - Psalm 51:17

More hardships will come in between me and the dreams that God has planted in my heart.

I will not give up. Never.

My flag

2008-09-12T21:22:00.006+09:30

This was taken in Victoria, July...

for more photos...click www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

I had a very bad day at work today. I've been constantly made to feel stupid,useless and insignificant by various ppl, inlc my boss.

Well that's not the meat of this post.

So the conclusion is, I had a bad bad bad day.

For some reasons, in the past few months I've been feeling progressively discouraged to a point where I doubted if I was a good doctor. Will I even become a surgeon?

It's hard to believe when your vision is clouded. But the thing is, I have not strayed away from God at all....why do I still feel lousy about myself ?

Then God has begun to work in me in the last few weeks, and it has been an amazing process. Upto yesterday , I felt that my heart has almost recovered. But something was still missing....I lacked the Ommmmh....the flame that I used to have.

Until today.....

I got into the car after work...I blasted the music , and I sang praises to God. Then suddenly I was again reminded that what I went thru today was not something new.

'Siew Wai, have you not been there before?'....I could almost see His grin.

Suddenly I was reminded, yea...that's familiar, that's the same old trick that the devil uses all the time. I've had many of those storms previously. And in the past, with God's power, I've always overcome them like a conqueror.

But lately life has been smooth sailing (and sweet because I've met someone wonderful:)) and I've become a lil too comfortable. I forgot that my battle had not finished. I let down my guard and the enemy crept in.

Naw.... then all the more I sang louder, and praised and prayed. I m not gonna let the enemy stop me from praying.

Once again I felt that the fire in me has come alive. The slumbered giant is awakened and roarrrrrrrrs at the enemy just like what she used to do.

And I stretch my Faith muscle, I take ground, I raise the flag of victory :)

Do you have dreams?

2008-09-10T14:42:00.005+09:30

So cute...

by siew wai, 6/9/08

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Everything begins with a thought , I call that 'a dream'.

Everyone has at least a dream or dreams in their lifetime. God gives us the ability to dream and even the dream itself. Everyone has dreams. Dreams that are fulfilled, or dreams that die and go with them to the grave.

What is your dream? Do you remember once you have had many many dreams when you were younger? Children don't stop to dream because they do not yet know the world. But when they grow up, they drop their dreams because the world tells them their dreams are silly and they are never good enough to have those dreams come true.

I had many dreams, and I still have many now. I am big on having dreams. Some dreams have already become realities, some are still in the forms of dream, but I have not stopped believing that those dreams will come true.

I don't believe life is just about growing up, going to school, finish the education, getting a job, finding a partner, getting married, having children, growing old, retiring, and dying.

Of course, these are the inevitable , and they are important. And each of these teach us about life, about ourselves, and most importantly , about God.

But those are not the 'thing' that we live for. How boring and dull life would be otherwise.

I am a strong advocate of living for dreams, or in other word, the purpose of God in my life.

God has given a lot of dreams and prophecies when I was younger. I hold on to them, when things get difficult and my vision clouded, I hold on to the promises of God. When the images in my dream fade, God comes in again to remind me that I am destined for greatness (SO IS EVERYONE, as long as you believe) .

Ezekiel has lately become my most studied passage. Ezekiel means 'strenghened by God'. God says there many many times, that 'I The LORD have spoken and I will do it.'

I will dream on, and walk in the light of God. Be strong and very courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go .

these frightened creatures - sheep

2008-08-28T23:11:00.011+09:30

This photo was taken in Victoria...by Siew Wai ....more photos on www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

Why does God refer us as sheep? Because sheep have good economical value and bring huge profit? Or because they mehhhhhh....?

Of course not.

Sheep are a strange type of creatures. Very very strange. If not by God's great plan I think they would have become extinct by now.

They are the most defenceless type of creature. It's not their fault, by nature they are made and born with the inability to protect or defend themselves. They are not the fastest herbivores, in fact I can probably run faster than them. They have no horns that attack or strong legs that kick.

By themselves, they are not fit for survival in the wilderness.

And they are timid. Although born in a huge body, their courage is inversely proportional to their physical size. They are easily terrified and somewhat hysterical. The sight of a stranger even from 50 ft away is enough to create commotion amongst themselves , and then they start to panic , turn around, and ruuunnnnnnn!

Their thick wool predisposes them to growing bugs that's only specific yet lethal to them. Hence regular shearing is not just profitable for the farmers but is also essential to maintain the hygiene of the sheep.

And they lack the ability to sniff out pastures or streams. When they are led to a green pasture , their vision is so narrow that they will just eat and eat and eat the grass that's within their visual fields, and when they have finished eating the grass they stubbornly go on chewing the roots, and, destroy the pasture.

Sheep need their shepherd, or they die.

Stupid and short visioned, weak and fearful as they are, they recognise their shepherd's voice.

They go where the shepherd leads, they stupidly trust their shepherd.

The shepherd leads them to a safe place, sometimes up to the hills and down to the valleys just to bring them to a better, greener pasture. And in the process of traveling to the green pasture, some weaker sheep might fall, sometimes they legs get trapped between rocks , and they bleat. The shepherd will carry the weak sheep on his shoulder.

The shepherd watches over them, the shepherd casts his eye on each one of them and counts them. The shepherd casts his vision on the horizon, he looks out for any trace of possible threat.

The shepherd leads his flock to the quiet streams. It has to be quiet streams because large rivers with splashing water are too frightening to the poor timid sheep.

You know what is the most interesting observation?

Sheep are stupid, weak, defenceless, timid, faithless, prone to diseases, and they exhaust the pastures. They need constant attention and tender care.

But does the shepherd know about this?

I m sure he does.

He has to have real love for the sheep in order to be a good shepherd, and he does that because he owns the sheep. Hired hands care nothing about the sheep.

Oh I am so humbled by this. Who do I think I am? I am but sheep, weak and faithless.

My Lord Jesus is my shepherd. The Good Shepherd, and I know His voice.

My paparazzi business

2008-08-28T10:21:00.006+09:30

By Siew Wai. Click www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

convergence...

2008-08-11T18:23:00.006+09:30

(This photo was taken in Port Fairy , Victoria )

So.... I've met this wonderful guy. I am not a story telling person. Perhaps this photo of convergent lines tells this story better. And it feels like this.

Sounds mushy but it feels as though I've been waiting for this man for my entire life.

I've never believed I could love and beloved like this.

I've never believed I can understand someone and be understood like this.

I've never believed someone can know and read the complexity of me better than I can do to myself.

I've never believed 2 is better than 1.

I've never believed having a life companion would not be a stumbling block to my relationship with God and service for Him.

I've never believed ....such person exists.

I wanted absolute concentration for God and myself. I am a weird person anyway.

I yelled out loud to the world, leave me alone, Do NOT come any closer. Stay where you are.

I do not wanna be read , do not even try to undestand me for you can never do it. No one can. I am happy to be by myself, I don't need anyone to make me happy and complete. I am focused. Life is about me and my God. Loneliness is my defence.

I stand in a crowd watching everyone. I am a photographer, I am in the crowd but I never wanna be part of it, therefore I am a photographer; I capture the emotions of people so that no one can capture mine. I reach out to ppl proactively so that no one will reach out to me .

I told him, dont come near me. I am a missionary. I wil go to the ends of the earth for my God. Leave me alone and undistracted.

'Don't call me. I don't wanna see you. I am scared and I am running. ' ...I said this to him numerous times, even though deep down inside I knew I was already attracted to this man who fears no resistance.

It wasn't even my intention to try or test him. I was genuinely resistant to having changes in my life. What's wrong about being a hermit? Why subject myself to unnecessary hurt and hardships?

And I've made my declaration to God and the world, I wanna be single for God, not cut out to have relationship.

But this silly man is also a clever man. He reads and analyses me. He advances and then stops,he throws questions at me and waits for my response. Each time when he does that, I see myself pulling down one layer of my guard.

'What do I really want for myself, what's holding me back if I am dearly attracted to him?'

Suddenly I wasn't sure anymore. God began to use him to reveal to me the issues that I did not even dare to address.

This man said 'You promised the world that you'd remain single and you hold on to your promise, but who will remember what you once said? When every audience has moved on in life, all that you have is you and your echo in an empty stadium. '

Clever man, clever choice of words, clever observation.

Suddenly I heard loud noise of huge thick walls shattering into dust. No more castle.

Lemon princess looks around , and she sees blue sky, green pasture, flocks of sheep and cows, and her jester knight standing, smiling, waiting.

And I found myself putting my hand in his, my head on his shoulder, and whispering to him,
yes I love you.

Yes, 2 is better than 1. Finally I admit.

(photo taken in Port Fairy, Victoria )

back yes i am back

2008-08-08T23:30:00.007+09:30

Victor Harbour....connect group .... click www.siewwai.zenfolio.com)

What an overwhelming month.

Holiday in Sydney was great.

Melbourne trip was life changing. Why? Allow me to expand on that later:) ehem....

Yiheyis has had his liver transplant. My heart leaps and rejoices along with the rest, God is great and faithful aint He. We shall all sign up for organ transplant.

Emergency rotation was over. Remember I was so devastated when they shafted me there instead of my surgical rotation? Indeed God knows the best , He never makes mistakes.

And then...I am so proud to be a Chinese.

and...I shall post more regularly :)

( Victor Harbour again....click www.siewwai.zenfolio.com)

Chaos

2008-07-12T23:43:00.005+09:30

At a train station, Sydney, 10/7/08

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

The things in the world are constantly changing at the pace that I can never be comfortable with.

God is the only source of courage and stability amongst all other variables.

I shall not resist changes, nor shall I feel faint at the sight of the trials and mountains, for God has birthed the spirit of power in me, and I take pleasure in climbing the mountains until I reach the top of the world.

Do not fret.

Take heart. The train is the only variable that moves. Not the station, not the platform. The train comes, but it will go away. The next train will come too, and will it not go away very quickly just like the first one?

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

National Geographic

2008-07-09T00:42:00.004+09:30

On and off I've posted a few photos to the National Geographic.com ....

Someone rated 4 stars for my photos = ) yeayyyyyy

One day, hopefully one day one of my photos will be selected and published on the National Geo Magazine...hopefully ..is it a very daring ambition?

(copyright@siewwai)

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

Family time

2008-07-08T01:36:00.008+09:30

No matter how proud I am of Adelaide, I'd hv to admit that Sydney is great.

This is a hard-earned break. Sis is here, and mom came to join us too. Not doing much at all, not even shopping (for i've finally grown sick of it now)...just some siew wai time, some family time, some photography time....

It's very refreshing to shoot in a foreign place...now i believe, a photographer does need to travel.

Enjoy the photos...click http://www.siewwai.zenfolio.com/ =)

(copyright@siewwai)

(copyright@siewwai)

(copyright@siewwai)

Come to my PLAYGROUND....

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

stupid car! just venting

2008-07-03T19:04:00.003+09:30

This morning I left home for gym. A stupid junk car was parked right in front of my garage. Fine, since I was walking to the gym, I thought the owner'd better move the car before I come home again.

So I came back from the gym. Still there. I thought, ok, he'd better move the car by 2:20pm. I need to go to work.

Then at 2:30pm, the car was still there. Knocked the neighbours doors, no one claimed the car theirs. Then 2:40pm..this is not funny, I started getting quite mad. I'm gonna be terribly late for work! plus I would miss the teaching session!

I suspected it belongs to the neighbour just directly opp of my house, I've seen this car before. Pressed the doorbell, no response. From gentle knock knock knock...to banging the door like a mad woman, I've tried it all.

I stood there for 40 mins altogether. Thank God, my neighbour came home, said that car didnt belong to him or his household.

What happened at the end...we broke into the car, pushed down the hand brake, pushed the car aside....and I left my fingerprints all over the car! If it was a stolen car (it looks like one) the police would ring Dr SWW who works in Elizabeth.

My colleague thought it was a veyr creative excuse for being late for work and he'd use it for the next two weeks...:)

I wanna move! Cant stand the car park issue no more!

leisure

2008-07-01T11:09:00.004+09:30

What more can I ask for? A cosy quiet corner in my favourite cafe. Beautiful music and coffee. Fingers flying on the very-nice-to-touch keypad , and, uploading my photos.

This is my sw time. Having a weekday off is much more fun than the usual weekend off. The cafes are quiet while the streets are crowded with ppl dressed in business suits, with large black folders or briefcases in their hands, pace quickly from one place to another, esp at lunch hour.

As for me, no suits, nor a briefcase, nor heels. No hurry.
Just my jumper and jeans and sneakers, a huge overnight bag, laptop, book, journal and camera (of course, camera).

What a good morning in autumn. Good morning , Adelaide :)

(copyright@siewwai)

Salt - part 2

2008-06-29T17:57:00.003+09:30

So I finished my nightshift at 8am.

Voices of different sources were squeaking at the back of my mind.

'Don't go to pick her! She's very dodgy...she might rob u on the way!'

' Well, why bother? she might not even remember the meeting.'

' Do you think she will like the churchy things? She'll never be touched.'

etc etc

But the whispering voice gently reassured me, 'Go, go to her place and bring her to My house.'

So, I went. That's not a very neat neighbourhood at all. Pulled over a few times, checked the map...finally saw a junk house, with lotsa junks outside the house. I went down , knock knock knock...and she came out.

I can't describe how excited I was when I saw her. She's better groomed this time. No stench. No dirt. Obviously she was prepared. She told me she's excited to come.

Nothing unusual happened in the car. Very peaceful.

So we arrived at the church...introduced her to the pastors and leaders...then the service started.

I was kinda nervous, just like when you bring a new friends to church, and they have never been to a church before, you would naturally be concerned if they are comfortable, if they understand what's preached, or if they are touched or not....so the whole time i was just praying to God to touch her...Funny enough, God replied me, 'Don't you be nervous siew wai, this is MY house and I AM God. '

Okie...Okie...God.

God's presence in that place was so heavy that I couldnt help but just kept crying while interceding for her. I saw that she was crying throughout the worship. Everything that was spoken and sung, was as though God was speaking directly to her (that's what I felt, because I know about her past thru her sharing)

At the end of everything, as I dropped her off in the city, I asked how she felt..

She told me it was very good, she would come again next Sunday, and might bring her girls with her..and she said she's seen the publicity of Paradise Church on the tele, felt like going but didn't know how to. Now that she's met me and finally come to a church, shé said it must be God who made it happen.

Then she sobbed, and said she really wanna be free from alcohol. I reassured her the power of Christ will deliver her out of the bondage. Then she sobbed even more uncontrollably.

How great is God's power and grace =)

All I pray and hope is that her life will be transformed. How much can a doctor do? Maybe just to heal the physical body. What is more tormenting is the spiritual sickness that cannot be cured by anything but the blood of Christ.

How good if the church be filled with broken and spiritually sick ppl, ppl who smell alcoholic , who can not afford nice and expensive clothing, who are helpless and powerless....who are sinners, just like me, but saved by Grace.

We shall see what will happen to her. I have her number.... =)

salt - part 1

2008-06-28T02:13:00.003+09:30

I picked up the case note from the tray, saw what the triage nurse typed, 'Alcohol intoxication', I was like...oh another alcoholic, another psychiatric patient.

Then I went to her cubicle, and began to smell a strong stench of alcohol when I went closer to it.

Just like any other patients that I see day in and day out in the area where I work . She didnt smell good. No teeth. Unkempt. Messy. Her nail polish was falling off. I caught a glimpse of her belongings lying on the ground, just a very dirty Coles shopping bag and a very old jacket.

'Hi...I am Siew Wai one of the doctors here...how can I help you today...''

She told me about her medical problems...then I went on to ask about her drinking...then she began to sob uncontrollably...she told me about her abusive partner...about her broken life, about her giving up on herself because she did not know how to get out of her situation.

My heart ached.

Then you probably know what I would do.

Then the Gospel was preached, tears were flowing, message was understood, and the sinner's prayer was said. I do not know how much it meant to her. I just knew I was following the Spirit. Didn't I pray to be used to bind the broken hearted and set the captive free?

She continued to sob, and told me no one had ever spoken to her like this before. No one wanna listen to her. No one cared about her.

I grabbed her address, and said I would pick her up from her home on Sunday. I wanna bring her to my church. She nodded her head eagerly , 'yes yes, please, I needed that. '

So, tomorrow....right after my night shift, I will venture into this area that's unknown to me, and pick her up , bring her to God's house. I know it is risky, to an extreme extent, it might be life threatening, because this area where she lives in, is infamous to be one of the MOST dangerous areas in South Australia. The people of lowest socioeconomic status live there, the drug addicts live there, the robbers, the psychotic, the criminals... they live there. Recently a shocking homicidal crime was uncovered there.

And she lives with her abusive partner.

I am gonna go out of my car, go to her doorstep, and ring the bell (she doesnt have a landline or mobile phone).

It sounds a bit horrifying. But I will go. I don't wanna be a comfortable Christian. Christ has saved my life, what do I have to lose?

So, I was joking with my friends, if they didnt hear from me , or if they didnt see me at 9am in church tomorrow, please ring the police hehhehe...

What will happen tomorrow in church? I just pray that the Spirit will touch this broken soul...

overwhelming

2008-06-23T01:50:00.004+09:30

I am in a half comatose state now :)

Very proud of myself, slept for 2 hrs yesterday, but still managed to get to chuch at 7 am (on duty)..served til 1pm..then went to work again...got back home at 1am.. It's quite amazing that i pulled through the long day with just 2 hrs of sleep, considering I am not already young biologically...

Too much going on. Too overwhelming. Very drained. I guess all my adrenaline must have been exhausted.

Today everyone got very emotional in the department.

We had a very shocking resuscitation. A young mom brought in her 5 year old boy. The 5 year old, severely wasted, weighs only 10 Kgs, at the verge of dying. Temperature of only 26C (normal body temperature should be 35-37C), blood sugar of only 1.6 ( anything below 3 we get a lil concerned) , pH of 7.0 ( again, should be 7.35-7.45)

5 year old boy who weighs 10 Kg. Literally skin and bones. You wouldnt believe you were in Australia if you saw that. You wouldn't even see that in Africa.

The mom , 21 weeks pregnant, came from interstate. She, being pregnant, together with her 5 young children, had been living in her small CAR on the street for 3 MONTHS.
The children were without food for ???days/weeks.
They have sores all over their body.

Can you believe this.

We managed to keep the child alive.
The police were there too. They are likely to charge her with child abuse.

My heart aches. A lot of staff got very emotional. Many cried.

This is not a simple issue about poverty and homelessness. For no one really is too poor in Australia, the government and NGOs looks after their ppl very well.

Why would this happen? The woman was obviously not in the right mind.

I dunno whatelse to say.
I wonder what kind of darkness has she been living in...
And what kind of ppl would the kids grow up to be, if they made it.

Quite an emotionally draining moment.

Li Wen's wedding photos..

2008-06-18T02:10:00.005+09:30

Photo taken by sw,

Click www.siewwai.zenfolio.com for more photos.

For Li Wen....another friend got married last month :)

This was my 3rd wedding photography experience. Wedding photography has now become my passion. The best thing about this is that, because you hold a very big and professional camera, understandably you are allowed to stand very very close to the couple at all times :) No one would criticise you for pointing your lens sooooooo close to the bride's face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway,...lets talk about somehting more serious.

It's been 5 weeks since I started working in the Emergency Dept. I remember being upset about coming back to ED at this time of the year, thought I'd be doing surgical work instead. And because of this bizarre arrangement, I thought all my previous plans would be in vain.

But I've never allowed this to be a stumbling block in my life. I told God...it's ok, Your ways are higher than mine. Maybe I've tried too hard with my own strength to acheive something that You have already ordained to happen.

I remember crying to Him...and shouting at the enemy to leave me alone. With God on my side I would not be defeated, I refused to let the disappointment become a form of bitterness. I am not that kind of person who just sits around doing nothing but mourning about my circumstances.

So since 1st day in ED, I told God, ...maybe I should rephrase, God taught me to see my daily life and my work as a calling, not just a job. Everyday on my way to the hospital (man...it's a 45 mins drive!) I ask God to lemme be excellent, lemme do my work well, lemme do it with a sense of purpose and destiny, and all this will bring Him glory and please Him.

And God is faithful to answer our prayers. When your heart is set to please Him, He will use you and give peace and joy to you in whatever you do.

I love my job.

And when you truly love your job and do it with all your heart, ppl will see it because it is evident.

My consultants and registrars have given me very good compliments, they are now trying to retain me in the department, and convince me to choose emergency medicine as my vocational training.

My patients love me too. Emergency is a great place to meet different types of ppl, and one of the best places to tell the patients about Jesus.

I know that God will continue to shine in all my circumstances...and when His presence is here, there's no darkness.

That's why King David has been my all time favourite. I feel so much like him. He was anointed to be the King of Israel, but long before the fulfilment of this promise, he had to go thru the grinding and moulding and preparation, by tending his father's sheep day in day out. Then he killed the lion and the bear...then he served the purpose of other ppl year in year out.. yet he did everything faithfully. And God showed him great favour in everything that he did.

Isn't it awesome?

We eat , we drink, we rise and sit...and in everything that we do, if we do it unto the glory of God,and do it with a sense of purpose and destiny and eternity, life becomes so meaningful.

And God must increase, we must decrease.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

photo taken by sw... more photos on www.siewwai.zenfolio.com :)

railway

2008-06-11T23:54:00.005+09:30

( by sw, adelaide, 11/6/08...for more photos click www.siewwai.zenfolio.com)

I have always had an undescribable fondness for rail. The tracks, the trains, the system in general. And somehow it started when I was really little..

I remember taking the train for the first time at 9. And it was since then that I was fascinated by the trains.

I love it when the train cuts across the fields and the valleys. I like sitting by the window (unlike buses or planes,trains usually have huge windows) , reading or gazing out of the window.

I like wandering purposelessly from one unit to another, from the head to the tail. I like standing on the narrow place(i dunno what it is called) between 2 coaches, imagining 'what if i fell off the train'...

I love the tracks. Where do those long tracks lead me to? Each train runs on its own track, and then changes its path and runs on another track.

I love to hear the stories behind those tracks. Who built them once upon a time? Slaves and labours. Many tracks were built upon the lives of countless unnamed heroes.

Lemme get on the train again , lemme go somewhere for a few months :) Maybe to the outback

(by sw, www.siewwai.zenfolio.com)

2008-06-10T09:38:00.006+09:30

(by sw, 1/4/08)

(sw, 1/4/08)

I've decided to look after myself :) Hmm... many ppl have expressed their concern about my lifestyle. Too busy, too many activities, too many crazy night shifts, too much exercise, too little sleep, too much coffee,and ermm, improper diet

too much of eating out, sometimes cereals for dinner if too busy :(...

So, I've resolved to sleep better and eat better...more home cooked meals nowadays. And guess what, I've begun to learn to use the oven! :) to my amazement I found out I can basically cook everything in an oven. I made my first pizza 3 nights ago, tasted not bad, and so I've been baking my own pizzas for 3 consecutive days.

Coffee is still unavoidable... Maybe will do something about it in older age.

randomness

2008-06-05T09:39:00.008+09:30

(copyright@ sw)

Autumn. Though not a big fan of trees.....

(copyright @ sw)

....and leaves.....

(copyright @ sw)

I miss the summer, soccer games on the fields....

(copyright @ sw)

And dogs played happily.....

:) but I love the winter too where I can still snooze in the day after my nightshifts....just like now...zzzz

2008-05-31T02:28:00.009+09:30

God has been dealing with the deep things in my heart (hmmm, as He always does). The issues that have been bugging me for a long long time. The bottom line is, The more I walk with Him, the more I recognise my inadequacy and unworthiness. A simple fact. I've learnt this well.

I needed this, because just a few years ago, I would still think I've had it altogether. I thought,

' Everything is good. Yes I am a sinner but not a terribly bad one. I've repented, I've moved on, I've everything under control. I m good. '

Not true. The more mature a person grow in Christ , the lower he will bow at the throne of Christ, for he is humbled by his unworthiness, and of course, by the mercy of God.

Has God been dealing with you and your issues? If He hasn't now, He will surely do in His time.

--------

By the way, how about this photo? :)

A special gift for her, my friend.

I am loving wedding photography.

Of course, more photos are on www.siewwai.zenfolio.com :) enjoy!

3 days of silence

2008-05-22T21:34:00.002+09:30

I've decided I shall not post for 3 days, a solemn ceremony for the victims of disasters.

Burma has seen the loss of more than 78,000 lives by far, another 50,000 missing.
Yet the junta is refusing international aid.

The chinese death toll has exceeded 51000...and 5m displaced.

What can I do here? I shan't complain that I am sick and tired, my 'suffering' is nothing at all, compared to the loss of lives , and those could well be lives lost ETERNALLY.

Human human, don't we feel helpless at the fragility and unpredictability of our lives? Don't we realise that right now we are surfing the internet, and tmrw we could be dead...

That's a very humbling thought to me. How many of us, or rather for myself, how many days in my life that I've lived like there's no tomorrow? At this point of my life, I would have no problem if I were to be taken away tmrw, but I would not be able to give a good account to God , standing in front of His throne, for I have not done enough to be the light and salt of the world.

My parents and brother, and so many more friends and relatives, and many many many MANY more ppl that I rub shoulder with daily....they have not heard about Jesus. What if there were a grade 9 quake in Malaysia or Australia tmrw????.....

I am very overwhelmed.

21-5-08

2008-05-21T23:22:00.004+09:30

The shadow on the balcony wall...outside my room

Just some random shots.....
That was a very beautiful morning.
I remember I was craving for photography....

---------

I am sick and drowsy now, and have lost the sense of time and date. 8 night shifts in a fortnight on ED is not common. But I did it :)

I slept thru the day , went to work at night, didnt see no body , deprived of social interaction and fellowship.

After putting my body to extreme torment I finally fell sick today. Must be from the old man who coughed right in my face in ED.

-------------

Thank you for all who have encouraged me. I can't go on without having fellowship with you. No man is an island.

Charcoal portrait

2008-05-16T21:55:00.005+09:30

This is a gift for jasmine. Her birthday.

U believe I drew this?

Yes I DREW this. Told you I love arts...and did I tell u as a kid I wanted to be an artist. It's ok.Now I love being a doctor who can draw and take photos :)

My sister accepted Christ!

2008-05-15T05:06:00.003+09:30

I led my sister to Christ yesterday! Awesome! And not just her, her flatmate has also accepted Christ a few days ago!

God is faithful. I still can't believe it has happened, even though day and night I prayed for her for about 5 years now! And there have been countless occasions where I tried telling her about Jesus, only to find that she was not interested/moved at all....yet I've never stopped believing that one day God would touch her, and the rest of my family.

The conviction became even stronger when God told me in one occasion, that He loves my family so much that He's chosen me, and thru me He will bring blessings to them. Salvation is for me, but it is never for me alone.

And I've never felt ashamed/insignificant to be a first generation Christian (i.e. the first person in the family who becomes a Christian) . Infact I feel it is a great honour to be the first one, and I feel I am a soldier fighting at the battle front, standing in the gap between the living and the dead, taking ground for God.

No one in my family tree has ever believed in God. Not my immediate family, not even one from my mom or dad's side. NONE. Hence I've always had a dream, that through me, ALL my immediate family members, and the relatives of both mom and dad's side will come to know God.

In my mental picture, I see I am running as a frontliner, and along the way I pull my sister, my brother, and my parents...and more and more friends and relatives join us when they see us...

Therefore all my brothers and sisters, never stop believing that God will use you or through your prayers to touch your family who are away from Him.

Amen Amen and Amen! :)

14/5/08

2008-05-14T21:30:00.002+09:30

Finally 4 night shifts in a row were over:) I've made the record, no one in ED did 4 nights in a row. The workload in ED has constantly been heavy, I hardly had a chance to even have my break throughout the 9 hours. I've lost sense of day n night :)

Again thank you very much for the love and concern :)

I am constantly being uplifted and encouraged by the Lord and His ppl.

And I am a happy person. My approach to life (life given by God) is, rejoice in God and in the blessings/tests that He gives. I don't wanna simply get by eveeryday. I wanna live life to the fullest, live with the sense of destiny and purpose. Maybe I am very driven. But I think, God brought us to the world for a purpose, and that purpose is not just something that we will see IN FUTURE. I used to think, ' one day I will be in the promise land', 'one day I will do this and that'... hence a lot of ppl get by daily life hoping one day they willl finally see the purpose of God and the promises come true.

And I used to think like that too. And I am not sure since when there came a conviction upon me, that I only have my 'today' once. When it is gone it is gone. The thought scared me quite a bit.

So I prayed to God, let me impact someone today. Let me drop a smile to someone today and lift them up. Let me live my life with zeal. Let me do everything for Your glory. Let me not get by but live with purpose.

Then the perspective will change, and even if I am in a place where I don't wanna
be, I will still get the most out of it and be joyful.

U agree?

hey you guys

2008-05-12T10:03:00.003+09:30

Hey!....I am very touched by the love of so many ppl...esp after you all read my previous post...BUT....did it sound that bad? ermmmm did i sound depressed? sighhhhhhh if i did then i have defeated the purpose of that post..it was meant to be a easy reading post filled with the sense of power and victory. Hehe maybe I overdid it...

But really thanks for all the concern that I have received...:)

And actually I am and was not that sad. I mean of course I was sad and disappointed on the day but very very quickly after that I was uplifted by God. Infact the next day I was in a very euphoric mood.

Anyway I dunno which part of me does actually make sense now...As I just finished my night shift, have not slept for 28 hrs already...I could get away with no sleep at all when i was younger..but not anymore:)

i need to zz now.,....

Tough...

2008-05-09T16:51:00.006+09:30

In retrospect, I had a very tough week.

Or should I say I've had a very tough 24 hours. One of the most upsetting moments in recent years.

It's a long story anyway. Just to cut it short, the medical admistration of the hospital mistreated me by making drastic and unfair change to my roster, without asking me for my agreement, without informing me, and when confronted, denied their mistakes.

Wednesday was the day when all RMOs started our 2nd term in different departments, according to the roster. Instead of the surgical department which I was initially rostered to go to, they put me to Emergency. And this was done in a very inappropriate, irresponsible and crass manner.

Of course I was extremely furious. Everyone knows I have a very high tolerance for mistreatment. I hardly get upset by anything at all. This time I lost it.

It's like you really really really love traveling, you so wanna go to Paris.You work hard for it, everyday you look fwd to it, you've done all the preparation, you tell the whole world u are going to Paris , and just the day before you take off, things happen like, the flight gets canceled.

And it's not your fault.

I was utterly disappointed and discouraged. Not just because I really wanna do surgical stuff, but also because I've made my plans in life and career according to the initial roster, and important decisions for next year were to be made based on my experience on the surgical term. Now everything seems to be 100 times more difficult.

And looks like it's gonna take forever for me to finally be selected into the surgical training program.

That was the worst moment in the recent years. I asked God, wasn't that YOUR calling for me to be a surgeon? Wasn't that Your promise that You'll guide me through?

I could not see any open door, I could not see any hope in it.

I was walking aimlessly on the street in the rain, I did not even care if I was drenched or not. I just wept.

But that's not the end of the story.

I told God, I'd still worship You and trust in You even though it is very hard to trust when you don't see anything. Then I began to sing praises to Him and declare His bigness and goodness.

Though for a while I was discouraged, yet I would not give up.

I asked God to let me see His Kingdome, and faithfully He did so. I recalled the stories of Joseph, Moses and David. None of God's people reach the promise land without first being tested again and again.

Who am I to make plans according to my own understanding? Who am I to box God and expect Him to do this and that according to my time? He's opened my eye and I began to see. Then I laughed at myself. Why am I furious? Why am I worried? Why am I frustrated when things don't go the way I thought it should? Is not God big enough to make the impossible possible?

His plan is higher than mine. Everything is made more difficult now. Like in the book of Daniel, the fire was turned up 7 times hotter. And after this, all the more I would not give up. The devil tried to challenge me , but does he know that challenges only make me stronger in God...

I guess God wants me to know, if I ever get into my surgical training, then it has got nothing to do with my ability at all. It has to be all by His grace and all glory goes to Him.

I am blown away and humbled by His plan. Now I've gladly accepted the delay. It does not matter anymore. Really. God is great isnt He.

<

Just a thought...How do you think God sees you?

glory

2008-04-22T23:46:00.004+09:30

visit www.siewwai.zenfolio.com for more photos

Photo taken by the Torrens again. www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

I wonder what's on her mind.

If she was a school kid, she would probably think 'Mom is running late again to pick me up'

If she was an environmentalist she would probably think ' The Torrens is badly polluted .'

If she was a gym junkie, 'Ain't it cold for outdoor cycling?Better in the gym.'

If she was an Aussie, ' Are the pubs open yet?'

If she was a Chinese (just like I am), ' This bird will certainly taste yummy in BBQ'

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com for more photos

This was not even a black and white shot. I took it as it was. The clouds could not veil the glory. To be continued on this .....I am exhausted today.

10/4/08

2008-04-13T17:48:00.006+09:30

(photo taken on 10/4/08, Glenelg ... more photos on www.siewwai.zenfolio.com )

I miss my sister terribly. That's the spot where we sat when she visited me 1 month ago :)

(photo taken by sw , www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

My revelation of the day:

Though the waves are angry and tall, yet I shall not be moved. I will not be intimidated nor will I be afraid, because no matter how strong and how tall the waves might seem, when they come against the pillar, they are crashed and broken into drops of harmless water. Then why shall I be afraid of the waves of life? God is my pillar.